One moment at a time...
I always dreamed of the way we'd finally find out we were pregnant. The joy of telling Harlan the news. The creative way we'd tell our family and friends. Awaiting lab results that day, I never thought this is what I'd hear on the phone: "You're pregnant, but we're very concerned." Harlan was at work, and I had planned on using this day to spend time alone in prayer, asking God for direction and peace while traveling this road called Infertility. Instead, I was reduced to a crying mess, unsure of how this could be happening, just 4 days before Christmas.
The next week was filled with more lab tests, ultrasounds, and somehow Christmas happened in there, too. It is a total blur, as if Christmas came and went without me this year. On the 27th, we finally got the news: My pregnancy was ectopic.
We prayed fervently against an ectopic pregnancy. We prayed for a miracle to occur. Little Elam decided to take up residency in my fallopian tube instead of my uterus, which is extremely dangerous and sometimes fatal if left untreated. Thankfully, we caught it before I would have to have surgery, but that day we said goodbye to our little one. A good friend reminded me that we have much to be thankful for. Little Elam never had to experience the grief or sorrow this world can bring. He/she is now resting safely in the arms of Jesus.
I thought about ending the blog. Too hard to write this stuff down. However, someone else out there might be going through this very thing right now. I hope that by sharing, someone else may feel a little less alone. I heard this song last night and was immediately reduced to a crying mess again (Sorry for the cheesy YouTube video, but I wanted you to see the words).
Running to Jesus is all I can do right now. At this point, it's more like crawling for me. I know He's there in the midst of it, whether I can feel it or not. As my precious friend Kristine says, "Thank you, Lord, that faith is not a feeling."
So, we welcome in 2011. Each day, I feel a bit more hope begin to poke its way through the ashes...
"You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I'm about to burst with song;
I can't keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
I can't thank you enough."
Psalm 30:11 was shared with me by so many friends and family members that I thought I'd share it with you (I like The Message version). I look forward to exchanging my weeping for laughing and mourning for dancing. One day at a time...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
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When Jason and I broke up, I read Psalm 30, over and over every day. It was my promise from GOd and I clung to it...he turned my broken weeping into healed laughing and mourning for dancing. He did this one day at a time...
ReplyDeleteOh sweet friend. I am so sorry for your loss. When we lost our first baby I was a weeping mess for a long time. A sweet friend gave me the book Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt. It was really helpful. I wish I still had it to give to you, but I gave it to another grieving friend.
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard to write here when you're going through so much, but know that God is using your words in ways you can't imagine. You may not know this side of eternity the impact that your blog is having on other grieving mothers, but please know that you are helping other women out there.
Jerad and I love you guys and continue to pray for you daily. More importantly, remember that Jesus knows your grief and suffering and is interceding for you (Hebrews 7:23-28).
Normally when at a point of overwhelming grief, I encourage myself or others to begin to journal. It is most definitely not a question of if but when. God delights in turning that very thing that was meant to harm us, kill us and or destroy our faith into pure joy and epic faith. Sometimes we get so enveloped by the pain that we miss the victories that begin to take root unless we journal. You have not only journaled, but have published which will also serve your prayer investors well. This infertility journey is going to end in more joy than you can imagine. Again, not a question of if, but when. In His indescribable joy, the Browns. We love you.
ReplyDeleteRachel and Harlan, thank you so much for being willing to share your grief with so many others. I love the song and it reminds me that it's all about Jesus! He's all we ever really need and desire. May the Truth of Who He is comfort your souls.
ReplyDeleteWe love you, Mom & Dad
Bless you, Rachel. It takes more than just courage to open your heart and share all the grief. You are so loving and giving you just can't help sharing your story in case there is another couple out there who needs to hear it. And there are so many couples praying for babies. I continue to pray for you and Harlan.
ReplyDeleteLove, Aynne
Just wanted to let you know there is an infertility blogging community out there that will give you support. I've found a lot of support in dealing with infertility here. The blogs that I follow are listed on my blog if you are interested.
ReplyDelete