Infertility: Much to our surprise, as evident by Rachel’s last post, her blood test came back positive for pregnancy on Monday. With this news also came the reality that her progesterone levels were too low to sustain a viable pregnancy. This meant a high probability of miscarriage / and or an ectopic pregnancy. Two days later, with the hopes that progesterone supplements would help, we got bad news from the doc. Her blood work revealed that her levels had increased, but not nearly enough. This pregnancy will not survive. While we are happy that we at least were able to conceive, this is going to be a very rough Christmas emotionally for the both of us. Please pray specifically that the pregnancy is not ectopic and Rachel won’t need further doctor intervention to remove the cells.
Myth of the Helpless Husband
It’s a funny thing when a young lad meets the girl of his dreams for the first time and she says yes to a harmless cup of coffee. They become fast friends and eventually start the dating game. At this point a young man must confront his animalistic protective nature. It’s a realization that we have an inner need to protect what is most valuable to us, namely our girlfriend and eventual bride. We just imagine that if some dude threatens our pretty new girlfriend he’s going to get a kick to the face and shown who’s boss. As guys we must take care of business and make sure things are set right when injustice to our ladies is done. Failing to do so could mean losing the girl of our dreams, so obviously we have to do whatever it takes to see that this doesn’t happen. This seems innate from a very young age as seen when boys have to keep safe their toys from Freddy Fast Fingers down the street. At some point we ditch the toys and set our eyes on prettier things, in my case girls. (I’m pretty sure this is called growing up. I wouldn’t know b/c I still play with toys.)
Anyway, there’s no special training we get to recognize how much our ladies mean to us and it’s not something we sit around on guys night talking about. We just hope that if a situation arises in which our wife needs us, we would be there to protect her and fix the problem. Ideally it would involve shining armor, a large flaming sword and an oversized black stallion. But when you’re faced with something you can’t fix or a problem you can’t solve, it changes things.
Rachel’s body is something I can’t fix and infertility is not a problem I can solve. Often it seems as if women have to carry the heavier load when dealing with infertility. Women go to most of the doctor appointments, have most of the procedures, and seem to feel the emptiness of the womb most acutely. Men often seem reduced to bystanders and can feel helpless to support and protect their wives during the crisis. It’s maddening, heartbreaking, and emasculating when you’re wife’s spirit is being attacked on all fronts and there is seemingly no protecting her. I feel like a star QB watching his team lose from the sideline with a pinched nerve and a national championship on the line. I’m prepared for the fight but handicapped and unable to help.
But we men are not powerless, nor are we helpless. We can in fact can have a greater impact during infertility than even the most renowned doctor. We husbands have direct access to an all-powerful God. When we pray for our wives we provide comfort, leadership, and protection. Although many times I have felt and appeared helpless to change the situation, God has heard my pleas and is listening. A man can remind God daily of his wife's heartache and emotional needs, and ask continually for the blessing of a child. Men can carry the burden of infertility by having the strength to continually pray when the wife feels too discouraged to lift her heart back up to God.
God changed my heart and encouraged me greatly with these words:
Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant.
~Genesis 25:21
Isaac prayed for her because of she was childless, and God answered his prayer by giving Rebekah a child. Isaac's prayer created an enormous blessing in their lives together and undoubtedly fostered an incredible intimacy between them. Although we are childless, I see that my marriage to Rachel is stronger than it has ever been and the spiritual intimacy between us grown immensely. As men, in any situation when our wives are threatened and hurting, call out to God, and He will answer. You see, we don't have to overcome the impossible to win the hearts and respect of our wives -- we have only to pray to the God who makes all things possible.
It’s a funny thing when a young lad meets the girl of his dreams for the first time and she says yes to a harmless cup of coffee. They become fast friends and eventually start the dating game. At this point a young man must confront his animalistic protective nature. It’s a realization that we have an inner need to protect what is most valuable to us, namely our girlfriend and eventual bride. We just imagine that if some dude threatens our pretty new girlfriend he’s going to get a kick to the face and shown who’s boss. As guys we must take care of business and make sure things are set right when injustice to our ladies is done. Failing to do so could mean losing the girl of our dreams, so obviously we have to do whatever it takes to see that this doesn’t happen. This seems innate from a very young age as seen when boys have to keep safe their toys from Freddy Fast Fingers down the street. At some point we ditch the toys and set our eyes on prettier things, in my case girls. (I’m pretty sure this is called growing up. I wouldn’t know b/c I still play with toys.)
Anyway, there’s no special training we get to recognize how much our ladies mean to us and it’s not something we sit around on guys night talking about. We just hope that if a situation arises in which our wife needs us, we would be there to protect her and fix the problem. Ideally it would involve shining armor, a large flaming sword and an oversized black stallion. But when you’re faced with something you can’t fix or a problem you can’t solve, it changes things.
Rachel’s body is something I can’t fix and infertility is not a problem I can solve. Often it seems as if women have to carry the heavier load when dealing with infertility. Women go to most of the doctor appointments, have most of the procedures, and seem to feel the emptiness of the womb most acutely. Men often seem reduced to bystanders and can feel helpless to support and protect their wives during the crisis. It’s maddening, heartbreaking, and emasculating when you’re wife’s spirit is being attacked on all fronts and there is seemingly no protecting her. I feel like a star QB watching his team lose from the sideline with a pinched nerve and a national championship on the line. I’m prepared for the fight but handicapped and unable to help.
But we men are not powerless, nor are we helpless. We can in fact can have a greater impact during infertility than even the most renowned doctor. We husbands have direct access to an all-powerful God. When we pray for our wives we provide comfort, leadership, and protection. Although many times I have felt and appeared helpless to change the situation, God has heard my pleas and is listening. A man can remind God daily of his wife's heartache and emotional needs, and ask continually for the blessing of a child. Men can carry the burden of infertility by having the strength to continually pray when the wife feels too discouraged to lift her heart back up to God.
God changed my heart and encouraged me greatly with these words:
Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant.
~Genesis 25:21
Isaac prayed for her because of she was childless, and God answered his prayer by giving Rebekah a child. Isaac's prayer created an enormous blessing in their lives together and undoubtedly fostered an incredible intimacy between them. Although we are childless, I see that my marriage to Rachel is stronger than it has ever been and the spiritual intimacy between us grown immensely. As men, in any situation when our wives are threatened and hurting, call out to God, and He will answer. You see, we don't have to overcome the impossible to win the hearts and respect of our wives -- we have only to pray to the God who makes all things possible.
Wow, Harlan. Thank you for sharing. Many times I have thought, what else can I do? Is praying really enough? Is asking the same thing over and over enough? Yes, it is. Thank you for sharing about praying for Rachel. So often I hear about women praying for their husbands, but very rarely have I ever heard that husband is to pray for his wife. I am so encouraged by this and so thankful that although this time has been very difficult, it has also been very spiritually rich. I am learning that in much suffering, there is much intimacy with God...he must have intended it to be such.
ReplyDeleteI am blown away by your words. I would agree that you have "grown up" even though you still play with toys :) I can't begin to imagine what Rachel is going through and feeling. I also can't imagine what it must be like for you watching. I too, am like you and want to "fix" things and make things better and when you can't it is hard but has always made me try harder. I love how you have realized what you can do to help Rachel. You both are going to be such great spiritual role models for you miracle one day. God bless you both on the journey God has called you two to take.
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