More Than My Wildest Dreams

I took a home test at 6am because I really didn't want to go get my blood drawn again.  I just knew I wasn't pregnant, and I if I didn't get to the blood lab by 7am I'd be stuck waiting there for an hour.  If I just confirmed I wasn't pregnant at home, I'd just call my doctor and forget the lab all together.

My sister gave me a test she had left over - it was the only one I had in the house.  I don't even keep them in the house anymore.  Way too depressing when they're always negative.

Here we go again...

I took the test and went about keeping myself busy while it was processing.  I peeked.  Oops.

I see 2 lines!  I see 2 lines? I SEE 2 LINES!!!!

I jumped on my completely-asleep husband because at this point, I knew I got up too early and I was hallucinating.

Hubby looked at the test, without his glasses, and pronounced his verdict: It's negative.  He doesn't see 2 lines.  I knew it...

I handed him his glasses.  He sees 2 lines.  He sees 2 lines?  HE SEES 2 LINES!!!!

5 hours later, a blood test confirmed I was pregnant and all looked well.  One week and 2 more blood tests - all still looked good.  2 weeks later, we saw a beautiful, beating heart.  My miracle daughter sat in her father's lap and listened to her sibling's precious little heart beating away.  I must be dreaming...

I'm so thankful for the chance to tell this story.  I prayed specifically that God would give me another story to tell.  I prayed that I would have the opportunity to raise my children with my friends, and even more importantly, to be pregnant with my sister.  That might seem silly, but managing a newborn is not easy, and the support of your friends and family is invaluable.  I didn't want to do it alone.  I didn't want to be left behind.

Our second round of infertility was so hard.  It didn't take as long to get pregnant, but those months were like a concentrated dose of our first struggle.  Our family had decided it was time for a long break to just be a family.  Have fun.  Not think about doctor's visits, negative tests, and what-ifs.

As my theme verse states. God is able to do so much more than I can wrap my mind around.  It takes surrender to Him when the only hope left lies in Him alone.  My neighbor shared this verse on my Facebook page in The Message version, and I love it so much I wanted to share it with you.

"God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. Glory to God in the church! Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus! Glory down all the generations! Glory through all millennia! Oh, yes!" - Ephesians 3:20-21

Don't give up, dear friends.  He is able!

P.S.  My sister is pregnant.  Our babies will be 5 weeks apart!

Obstacles

One of my friends encouraged me to blog a bit more.  I was surprised to see how long it had been since I last posted.  It's a mixture of things, really.  I have never been more busy chasing a toddler around, working 2 jobs, and leading a Bible study.  If I'm honest, I also wonder if you, my readers, will grow tired of me repeating the same things over and over.

God has given me a rich, full life, but in the world of infertility, the battle rages in cycles, very dependent on doctors visits, blood draws, and medications.  My emotions go a little something like this: heartbreak, hope, determination, prayer and pleading, surrender, loss of hope, heartbreak...repeat.   I believe that God is sovereign over each and every day of my life, but since I am unable to escape doctors appointments, ovulation tests, lab work, and more, I'm also submersed in infertility on a daily basis...and it's tough.

I know my friend won't mind if I mention this. She sent me the best text one day.  God had placed this on her heart, and the timing couldn't have been more perfect:

Remember that infertility does not define you. I know it is hard so think about the things that bring hope and life.  You are first and foremost a child of God.  You are also Harlan's wife and Harper's mom.   You are a great friend to many and a beloved daughter and sister.  Cling to and draw strength from those identities.  Infertility is an obstacle and can be used to shape and make you stronger, but it is not Rachel.  You are so much more!

There are some days it is hard to breathe.  Days when I can see no light at the end of the tunnel and am reduced to a hopeless mess.  I am thankful that my identity lies in so much more!

New Struggles 

In my last round of infertility, God timed things so perfectly that I had the opportunity to go through my entire pregnancy with friends and family who were having babies right around the same time.  It was such a special time.  After the babies were born, I also learned there is nothing better than being able to ask questions of friends in the middle of the night who are also up nursing babies!

This round has been so different.  Almost every friend I know who struggled with infertility has gotten pregnant with their second right away, with no problems.  Several close friends are pregnant, and I watch on the sidelines as their bellies continue to grow and they make plans for the future.  There is nothing more joyful than celebrating these miracles with my friends, but it takes every ounce of my being not collapse with grief.  I simply don't understand.

So here's what it takes.  Looking to the hope I have in Christ, the identity He has given me and the life He has blessed me with.  Here's a look at some of those blessings, in no particular order:

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But wholly lean on Jesus' name.

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;

All other ground is sinking sand

Hope

Everything went wrong.  Everything.

My first month back at the Fertility Center has already been a roller coaster.  We started off with high hopes - the medicine worked.  Soon after, my body began to react differently than it should, and we discovered things had gone terribly wrong and we would have to start over.  Worst of all, we would have to wait a month before beginning again.

My first reaction, unfortunately, was to doubt God's goodness.  Why would He continue to allow such suffering?  Why do some seemingly snap their fingers and have a baby, while we, who desperately want to grow our family, must spend great amounts of money and go through such anguish, only to be disappointed again and again.

But I've been through this before.

I know these feelings are perfectly normal, but I learn every day about the God I love and serve.  He is good.  He has given me so many amazing things.  He didn't promise me an easy life, but He did promise He would never leave me and would always keep His promises.

Take a look at this miracle, and you know what a faithful, good God we have:

I heard the best sermon at church about depression.  After listening to the whole thing, I discovered it was more about trials and suffering.  If you have a chance, it's definitely worth a listen: 

http://austinstone.org/sermons/item/the-gospel-and-depression

So, even though I don't know why, I continue to remind myself about the truth of who God really is.  I've written this verse down and put on the fridge to remind me:

"Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God"  Psalm 42:11.  

I choose hope.

Thanks for praying, friends.  Keep it up.

~Rachel

Reopening Old Wounds

As I write this, I'm looking around my living room at the little trails my sweet toddler has made.  Tupperware lids from the kitchen, an old box from Christmas, Dr. Suess books, and pieces of fake food from her new kitchen - I am blessed indeed in the very busy life I live.

Harper Grayce is 15 months old.  She's independent, smart, sassy, and makes me laugh every day.  She's constantly talking (very loudly), and I'm actually starting to understand her little language that doesn't quite sound like English yet.  Every day -- and I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY -- I thank God for giving me the opportunity to be her mother.  Here's a few snapshots from the last few months.

And...The Update

I went back to the Fertility Center last week.  There.  I said it.  I feel better!

I prayed my brains out that God would heal me of PCOS and we would be able to have an easier time bringing another baby in to the world.  Harper literally runs up to other children on the playground with a huge smile on her face and wants to play and interact.  She loves people, especially children, so we really want to add another member to our family.

Unfortunately, my body is still the same.

It makes me sad.

Going to the Fertility Center is like reopening an old wound.  That wound had almost healed, but it came right back open when I stepped through those doors.  My doctor confirmed that I would need to take meds in order to try for a baby, so I have started my first round of Femara in hopes we will be able to try for another Elam.

When I started this blog over 2 years ago, I wasn't sure what God had in store for me.  We had a rough year, but in the end, I held my newborn daughter in my arms.  Now, that teeny girl calls me "Momma" and plants sloppy kisses on me even when she wasn't invited.

As I look back on my journey, I am left wondering what I didn't learn the first time around.  Why does God want me to go through all this pain again?  Then, I wonder if I'm looking at it wrong.  This journey means a closer walk with Jesus, and a constant reminder that God is in control.  Better yet, His plans are for my good, and they make me more mature and complete.

Just as I learned so much from the book of Isaiah during my first battle with infertility, so God is teaching me through my study of Genesis, and more specifically, the life of Abraham.  Just this week, I read this verse:

"Yet he (Abraham) did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised" Romans 4:20-21

As I start this journey again, I want that to be my anthem.  I don't want to waver through unbelief.  I want this experience to strengthen my faith, give God all the glory.  He has the power to add an Elam to our family!

Will you pray this with me, blog friends?  I surely need it.

Much love,

Rachel