Reopening Old Wounds

As I write this, I'm looking around my living room at the little trails my sweet toddler has made.  Tupperware lids from the kitchen, an old box from Christmas, Dr. Suess books, and pieces of fake food from her new kitchen - I am blessed indeed in the very busy life I live.

Harper Grayce is 15 months old.  She's independent, smart, sassy, and makes me laugh every day.  She's constantly talking (very loudly), and I'm actually starting to understand her little language that doesn't quite sound like English yet.  Every day -- and I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY -- I thank God for giving me the opportunity to be her mother.  Here's a few snapshots from the last few months.

And...The Update

I went back to the Fertility Center last week.  There.  I said it.  I feel better!

I prayed my brains out that God would heal me of PCOS and we would be able to have an easier time bringing another baby in to the world.  Harper literally runs up to other children on the playground with a huge smile on her face and wants to play and interact.  She loves people, especially children, so we really want to add another member to our family.

Unfortunately, my body is still the same.

It makes me sad.

Going to the Fertility Center is like reopening an old wound.  That wound had almost healed, but it came right back open when I stepped through those doors.  My doctor confirmed that I would need to take meds in order to try for a baby, so I have started my first round of Femara in hopes we will be able to try for another Elam.

When I started this blog over 2 years ago, I wasn't sure what God had in store for me.  We had a rough year, but in the end, I held my newborn daughter in my arms.  Now, that teeny girl calls me "Momma" and plants sloppy kisses on me even when she wasn't invited.

As I look back on my journey, I am left wondering what I didn't learn the first time around.  Why does God want me to go through all this pain again?  Then, I wonder if I'm looking at it wrong.  This journey means a closer walk with Jesus, and a constant reminder that God is in control.  Better yet, His plans are for my good, and they make me more mature and complete.

Just as I learned so much from the book of Isaiah during my first battle with infertility, so God is teaching me through my study of Genesis, and more specifically, the life of Abraham.  Just this week, I read this verse:

"Yet he (Abraham) did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised" Romans 4:20-21

As I start this journey again, I want that to be my anthem.  I don't want to waver through unbelief.  I want this experience to strengthen my faith, give God all the glory.  He has the power to add an Elam to our family!

Will you pray this with me, blog friends?  I surely need it.

Much love,

Rachel