One of my friends encouraged me to blog a bit more. I was surprised to see how long it had been since I last posted. It's a mixture of things, really. I have never been more busy chasing a toddler around, working 2 jobs, and leading a Bible study. If I'm honest, I also wonder if you, my readers, will grow tired of me repeating the same things over and over.
God has given me a rich, full life, but in the world of infertility, the battle rages in cycles, very dependent on doctors visits, blood draws, and medications. My emotions go a little something like this: heartbreak, hope, determination, prayer and pleading, surrender, loss of hope, heartbreak...repeat. I believe that God is sovereign over each and every day of my life, but since I am unable to escape doctors appointments, ovulation tests, lab work, and more, I'm also submersed in infertility on a daily basis...and it's tough.
Remember that infertility does not define you. I know it is hard so think about the things that bring hope and life. You are first and foremost a child of God. You are also Harlan's wife and Harper's mom. You are a great friend to many and a beloved daughter and sister. Cling to and draw strength from those identities. Infertility is an obstacle and can be used to shape and make you stronger, but it is not Rachel. You are so much more!
There are some days it is hard to breathe. Days when I can see no light at the end of the tunnel and am reduced to a hopeless mess. I am thankful that my identity lies in so much more!
New Struggles
In my last round of infertility, God timed things so perfectly that I had the opportunity to go through my entire pregnancy with friends and family who were having babies right around the same time. It was such a special time. After the babies were born, I also learned there is nothing better than being able to ask questions of friends in the middle of the night who are also up nursing babies!
This round has been so different. Almost every friend I know who struggled with infertility has gotten pregnant with their second right away, with no problems. Several close friends are pregnant, and I watch on the sidelines as their bellies continue to grow and they make plans for the future. There is nothing more joyful than celebrating these miracles with my friends, but it takes every ounce of my being not collapse with grief. I simply don't understand.
So here's what it takes. Looking to the hope I have in Christ, the identity He has given me and the life He has blessed me with. Here's a look at some of those blessings, in no particular order:
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand
I am so encouraged by the way you are struggling WELL. It is a struggle--to daily resubmit control, re-ask for joy for others, retrust that He is good and able--and you are fighting the fight well.
ReplyDeleteI can't identify with all the things you are experiencing, but I did walk through a season before Felicity was born, where I had an ectopic, then another miscarriage, and it felt like I was being left behind while all my friends were getting pregnant. It is a painful season, and I am so sorry, Rachel. But I am also so encouraged by your testimony.
Will be praying for a sibling to come soon for Harper, and that God would bear up under you as you wait.
Erin Hicks
And your truest identity lies in Christ Who died for you, loves you with an everlasting love, calls you His child, reveals Truth to you, fills you with joy, comforts you in sorrow, calls you His friend, ordains your steps, understands your heart as no one else can because He made you! And YOU are a gift to us and all your family and friends.
ReplyDeleteLovely post. I am going on 3 1/2 years of infertility struggles, and can identify with a lot of what you've said. Your words remind me that I am not alone.
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