One of my friends encouraged me to blog a bit more. I was surprised to see how long it had been since I last posted. It's a mixture of things, really. I have never been more busy chasing a toddler around, working 2 jobs, and leading a Bible study. If I'm honest, I also wonder if you, my readers, will grow tired of me repeating the same things over and over.
God has given me a rich, full life, but in the world of infertility, the battle rages in cycles, very dependent on doctors visits, blood draws, and medications. My emotions go a little something like this: heartbreak, hope, determination, prayer and pleading, surrender, loss of hope, heartbreak...repeat. I believe that God is sovereign over each and every day of my life, but since I am unable to escape doctors appointments, ovulation tests, lab work, and more, I'm also submersed in infertility on a daily basis...and it's tough.
Remember that infertility does not define you. I know it is hard so think about the things that bring hope and life. You are first and foremost a child of God. You are also Harlan's wife and Harper's mom. You are a great friend to many and a beloved daughter and sister. Cling to and draw strength from those identities. Infertility is an obstacle and can be used to shape and make you stronger, but it is not Rachel. You are so much more!
There are some days it is hard to breathe. Days when I can see no light at the end of the tunnel and am reduced to a hopeless mess. I am thankful that my identity lies in so much more!
New Struggles
In my last round of infertility, God timed things so perfectly that I had the opportunity to go through my entire pregnancy with friends and family who were having babies right around the same time. It was such a special time. After the babies were born, I also learned there is nothing better than being able to ask questions of friends in the middle of the night who are also up nursing babies!
This round has been so different. Almost every friend I know who struggled with infertility has gotten pregnant with their second right away, with no problems. Several close friends are pregnant, and I watch on the sidelines as their bellies continue to grow and they make plans for the future. There is nothing more joyful than celebrating these miracles with my friends, but it takes every ounce of my being not collapse with grief. I simply don't understand.
So here's what it takes. Looking to the hope I have in Christ, the identity He has given me and the life He has blessed me with. Here's a look at some of those blessings, in no particular order:
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand
