Hope

Everything went wrong.  Everything.

My first month back at the Fertility Center has already been a roller coaster.  We started off with high hopes - the medicine worked.  Soon after, my body began to react differently than it should, and we discovered things had gone terribly wrong and we would have to start over.  Worst of all, we would have to wait a month before beginning again.

My first reaction, unfortunately, was to doubt God's goodness.  Why would He continue to allow such suffering?  Why do some seemingly snap their fingers and have a baby, while we, who desperately want to grow our family, must spend great amounts of money and go through such anguish, only to be disappointed again and again.

But I've been through this before.

I know these feelings are perfectly normal, but I learn every day about the God I love and serve.  He is good.  He has given me so many amazing things.  He didn't promise me an easy life, but He did promise He would never leave me and would always keep His promises.

Take a look at this miracle, and you know what a faithful, good God we have:

I heard the best sermon at church about depression.  After listening to the whole thing, I discovered it was more about trials and suffering.  If you have a chance, it's definitely worth a listen: 

http://austinstone.org/sermons/item/the-gospel-and-depression

So, even though I don't know why, I continue to remind myself about the truth of who God really is.  I've written this verse down and put on the fridge to remind me:

"Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God"  Psalm 42:11.  

I choose hope.

Thanks for praying, friends.  Keep it up.

~Rachel

Reopening Old Wounds

As I write this, I'm looking around my living room at the little trails my sweet toddler has made.  Tupperware lids from the kitchen, an old box from Christmas, Dr. Suess books, and pieces of fake food from her new kitchen - I am blessed indeed in the very busy life I live.

Harper Grayce is 15 months old.  She's independent, smart, sassy, and makes me laugh every day.  She's constantly talking (very loudly), and I'm actually starting to understand her little language that doesn't quite sound like English yet.  Every day -- and I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY -- I thank God for giving me the opportunity to be her mother.  Here's a few snapshots from the last few months.

And...The Update

I went back to the Fertility Center last week.  There.  I said it.  I feel better!

I prayed my brains out that God would heal me of PCOS and we would be able to have an easier time bringing another baby in to the world.  Harper literally runs up to other children on the playground with a huge smile on her face and wants to play and interact.  She loves people, especially children, so we really want to add another member to our family.

Unfortunately, my body is still the same.

It makes me sad.

Going to the Fertility Center is like reopening an old wound.  That wound had almost healed, but it came right back open when I stepped through those doors.  My doctor confirmed that I would need to take meds in order to try for a baby, so I have started my first round of Femara in hopes we will be able to try for another Elam.

When I started this blog over 2 years ago, I wasn't sure what God had in store for me.  We had a rough year, but in the end, I held my newborn daughter in my arms.  Now, that teeny girl calls me "Momma" and plants sloppy kisses on me even when she wasn't invited.

As I look back on my journey, I am left wondering what I didn't learn the first time around.  Why does God want me to go through all this pain again?  Then, I wonder if I'm looking at it wrong.  This journey means a closer walk with Jesus, and a constant reminder that God is in control.  Better yet, His plans are for my good, and they make me more mature and complete.

Just as I learned so much from the book of Isaiah during my first battle with infertility, so God is teaching me through my study of Genesis, and more specifically, the life of Abraham.  Just this week, I read this verse:

"Yet he (Abraham) did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised" Romans 4:20-21

As I start this journey again, I want that to be my anthem.  I don't want to waver through unbelief.  I want this experience to strengthen my faith, give God all the glory.  He has the power to add an Elam to our family!

Will you pray this with me, blog friends?  I surely need it.

Much love,

Rachel