Realigning Expectations - One Mom's View on Breastfeeding

Below is my personal story on breastfeeding (It's long - sorry!).  If this subject doesn't interest you, feel free to skip this post.  However, I do hope it's helpful for others who held the same expectations I did...

When my sweet Harper Grayce was born now 2 months ago, she was a lot smaller than we expected.  The first few days in the hospital, she was very sleepy, so trying to get her to breastfeed was very challenging.  The nurses assured me that all babies were sleepy after birth, and as soon as my milk came in she should be more awake and ready to nurse.

Day 1 home from the hospital, and my milk still wasn't in.  Harper was still a very sleepy baby.  Day 2 home - no milk, a baby who slept, never cried when hungry, wouldn't stay awake longer than a few minutes to breastfeed.  Day 3, Day 4, Day 5.  No milk.  Sleeping baby.

I finally called a lactation consultant.  At our first appointment, she confirmed my worst fear.  Harper had lost almost a pound, I had no milk, and I was basically starving my sweet little girl.  She recommended I take supplements and pump to bring my milk in, and she assured me Harper was just small and needed to get the hang of breastfeeding.  Until she was able to get enough on her own, she recommended using an SNS (picture below).  While breastfeeding, the little tube is inserted into the baby's mouth, giving them the amount of milk needed without introducing bottles and causing nipple confusion.  Sounds neat, huh?  NO!  Getting a tiny tube into an infant's mouth while breastfeeding is ridiculously difficult.  Getting a good latch while using the SNS is seemingly impossible. 

So, we would "breastfeed".  Each day, I would pray my milk would come in, try and breastfeed, use the SNS, and pump.  This process would take 2 hours to complete, leaving little time to do much, especially sleep, before the next feeding began.

After 2 weeks of pumping, my milk finally came in.  However, Harper still slept all the time, never told me when she was hungry, and fell asleep instantly when I tried to breastfeed.  We tried everything:  stripping her down to her diaper, using a wet rag, tickling her feet, putting her in front of a fan, playing loud music - nothing would keep her awake to eat.

We used the SNS for 4 weeks.  At the 4 week mark, I had slept very little, and while Harper was gaining weight like a champ and getting nothing but breast milk, I was having a nervous breakdown.  I pumped around the clock, never slept, saw no improvement in Harper (this child literally never cries when hungry and sees the breast as a great place for a nap), and didn't know what to do.  I cried all the time, questioned God, read way too many online forums on breastfeeding, and became a shell of my former self. 

Why would I go to such lengths?  I worked at a pregnancy center.  I know how much better breast milk is than formula.  I am all about natural birth, and breastfeeding is the most natural, beneficial food you can give your baby.  My lactation consultant told me not to give up because that would be best for Harper.  I had paid so much money and worked so hard to get my milk to come in.  However, no one tells you your baby might not know how to, or show any interest in breastfeeding.

I got block ducts, mastitis, more blocked ducts.  I am a pro at figuring out how treat these things without doctor intervention.  After 4 weeks and many tears, we finally introduced Harper to the bottle.  It was still breast milk, but in a bottle.  She LOVED it.  Without any effort, milk would just pour into her mouth - what's not to love?  I cried as I gave her a bottle and just knew I was thwarting any possibility my child would have at breastfeeding.

I prayed things would change at 6 weeks.  Nope.  Now, at almost 10 weeks, Harper still is completely uninterested in working to retrieve milk from me. I still try every day. If I am engorged and milk just pours into her mouth, she eats really well.  Otherwise, she just does not care to make the effort.

I continue to pump, pump, pump.  I am so grateful Harper still has exclusively had breast milk for 2.5 months.  In order to give her what she needs, I have to pump around the clock, every 3 hours.  Do I have control issues?  Yes.  Once again, giving up control, something that has been the thorn in my side over and over, has been the most difficult thing.  Now that Harper needs upwards of 4 ounces at every feeding, my pumping just can't keep up.  Soon, I won't be able to provide enough milk and we'll have to introduce formula.

What bothers me about formula?  I've been taught it's a "lesser" food.  Babies can't digest it as well.  It makes baby poop smell awful.  Formula fed babies are 15 times more likely to get sick than breastfed ones. 

To wrap things up:

1.  I've learned that sometimes you can try everything, and some things are just not meant to be.
2.  Support your friends.  Professionals and friends, meaning well, have told me I'm giving up on important bonding between me and my baby.  When you've tried everything, those comments just make you feel like a failure.  Listen to your friends, but don't force your opinion.  It can really hurt feelings.
3.  My new goal is to give Harper exclusively breastmilk until the New Year, or when my supply can't keep up.  After that, we'll begin introducing formula, as hard as that is for me!
4.  Formula fed babies aren't destined for a life of failure.  Whole generations were formula fed and are just fine.  My sweet husband had formula after his own mom had trouble breastfeeding, and he's the best guy I know!
5.  "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

Instead of obsessing about breast milk, I want the world to meet my miracle girl.  She's smiling, cooing, getting rolls on her legs (a big achievement for our little one), and blows me away every day.  It's time to start living, and stop sitting in front of a pump!  :)