What?! We're pregnant???

Definitely not the words I thought I'd ever say...

Clue #1 - On the way home from an out-of-town trip, I burst into tears because I was hungry and we had skipped lunch.  Um, not normal.

Clue #2 - I could smell every ingredient in Harlan's lunch from the other end of the house.

Clue #3 - I put away an entire bowl of Pho for dinner one night.  Have you seen the size of those bowls?

Clue #4 - Hugs became excruciatingly painful.  That's all the detail I can give there...

Each time something strange would happen, I'd toss it aside.  I mean, we were just 6 weeks out from our ectopic pregnancy.  These were most likely phantom symptoms and my mind was playing tricks on me.  After a week or so, I decided to stop worrying and just take a pregnancy test. 

And I almost fainted...

IT WAS POSITIVE!!!

Panic set in almost immediately, so I grabbed the phone and called my doctor.  Could a baby survive after my body had endured the painful effects of a Methotrexate shot for the ectopic pregnancy?  Would everything be okay?  My doctor requested I immediately go to the lab for blood work and scheduled an ultrasound.  I have never been more terrified as I waited for the results!

Then, the call came.  "Congratulations!  Your HCG and Progesterone look great, and according to the numbers, you're almost 6 weeks pregnant."  WHAT?  No. Way.

The next day, we headed to the doctor for an ultrasound.  What did we see?  A precious gestational sac and yolk sac.  There wasn't a dry eye in the place.  My doctor's words:  "I'm speechless".  Praise you, Jesus!  You leave us speechless because You are SO GOOD. 

I was measuring closer to 5 weeks, so we were still too early to see a heartbeat.  We scheduled another ultrasound for a week later, and it was the slowest week of my life! When the day finally arrived, I prepared myself for the reality that there could be no heartbeat.  I prayed every moment on that exam table, and then I heard those amazing words:  "There's the heartbeat!"  Oh, thank you Lord, for creating such an extraordinary miracle, and a precious heartbeat going at 123 bpm. Normal.  Healthy.

My doctor cried.  I got hugs from nurses, including the one who helped us get through our previous pregnancy.  Harlan and I cried.  That little flickering heartbeat brings me to tears every time I think about it.

In 2 weeks, we go back to the fertility center one last time to check on the baby's progress.  At that point, the chance of miscarriage goes down to less than 3% and I'll be turned back over to my regular OB. 

2 more weeks.  This experience opens up a whole new realm of faith, a whole new reliance and trust that God will protect our little one, help him/her grow strong, and hopefully be in our arms in 7 months or so.  We continue to cry out to Him.  Will you pray with us?

So, to sum it up, we're pregnant!  Naturally pregnant, without any crazy drugs, IUI's, surgeries, or ovulation tests.   It happened just a few short weeks after the loss of our first little Elam.  Baby Elam #2 is due to arrive in early October. Can you believe it?  To God be all the glory.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory... in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Letting the Cat Out of the Bag - Part Two

 

"LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things..." Isaiah 25:1

Story to come...

The Mega Post!

 *This pic was taken my sophomore year in college on an ice day.


Whew!  Sorry for the short blogging hiatus - Austin had its once a year, "barely snowing, so let's shut down the whole city" day last week, and things have been busy, busy.  I've baked a lot, had my first doctor's appointment since the pregnancy...lots has happened, so it's time for an update!

Infertility:  It's been a hard few weeks.  The reality of being back at square one has really hit home.  I've really been enjoying not being at the doctor every other day, having ultrasounds, using ovulation predictor kits, and wondering what part of my cycle I'm on.  Yesterday marked 6 weeks since the ectopic, and at 8 weeks we're cleared to start trying again.  Yikes!

We went back to our doctor for a consultation yesterday.  I felt a little sick driving in to the parking lot.  Part of me stills prays that I'll have regular cycles and won't have to step foot into the Texas Fertility Center ever again!  Can I hear an Amen?

I've also been rebelling against the idea of a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis.  Exploratory, elective surgery isn't on my list of things I'm just DYING to do.  However, since my pregnancy was ectopic, my doctor strongly recommends the surgery before attempting any more treatments.  The other option, of course, is In Vitro.  I know without a doubt that I am just not ready to go there yet.  I've been in constant prayer for direction and wisdom, so I'm trusting my gut that IVF is not the direction to go right now.

What does that mean?  Surgery.  Ugh...

The upside is that my doctor will take pictures of my insides so we can all see what's going on in there.  I'll make sure to post all those here once we get them.  Just kidding - I don't need any creepy pictures of myself (or rather, my guts) floating around the internet.  


Baking:  I've been baking, baking, baking!  I've got more up my sleeve for Valentine's Day as well!

Peanut Butter Brownies with Chocolate Ganache - Recipe here

YUM!  I baked these for a meeting at work.  The only thing I'd change is the peanut butter ratio.  They had just a hint of peanut butter, and I like more of a punch, like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

Blondies - Recipe here

Blondies are my go-to dessert when I need something I can make quickly.  As you can see, they can be made with all sorts of yummy ingredients.  I stuck with the classic chocolate chip variety this time, because chocolate is my favorite thing.

Chocolate Stout Cake - Recipe here

Oh my goodness - I LOVE this recipe.  It calls for stout, like Guiness, but Harlan had some Brooklynn Brewery Black Chocolate Stout!  It really intensifies the flavor!  My mother and father-in-law both celebrated birthdays last week, so I brought this to celebrate with them last weekend.  I'd show you a picture of my own cake, but sadly, it's all gone!

Up Next...Valentine Whoopie Pies - Hooray!

How absolutely adorable are these?  I found the pans at Sur la Table, and now they're on sale!  Go get one for yourself.  The pan comes with recipes for both the cake and filling.  I can't tell you how excited I am to make these!

In other blog news:

Words can't express how much I appreciate my friend Kristine.  We've gone through a lot of the same things in regards to infertility, and she is such a wonderful example to me.  She has offered so much encouragement, and I know God has something extra special planned for her!

Last week, she gave me this album Steven Curtis Chapman wrote after the tragic death of his little girl.  The music is raw, heartbreaking, and moving.  It has really touched me, encouraged me, and shown me more about the love my Father has for me. 

There's one about God's faithfulness.  I thought I'd share it with you:

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

"Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,

to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly

for the salvation of the Lord."

Lamentations 3:22-25 

Dancing in the Minefields

Harlan and I have decided this is our theme song.  If you've been married any length of time, this song probably rings true for you, too.  I highly recommend listening to the whole thing.

My favorite part is this:

'Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man
So there's nothing left to fear
So I'll walk with you in the shadowlands
Till the shadows disappear

'Cause He promised not to leave us
And His promises are true
So in the face of all this chaos, baby,
I can dance with you

New baking and infertility updates coming soon!

Blessed Controller of All Things

"Oh, the peace of yielding to His ways, His timing, and His will!  When we truly bow before Him as the Blessed Controller of All Things, the small problems that slowly tear us apart and the gigantic ones that crash over us like a tsunami wave do not uproot us.  We are nestled in the Holy One, our refuge...safe and sheltered in the Haven of His wings." - Linda Dillow, Deeper Kind of Calm

I truly don't mean to start each blog post with some profound statement or piece of scripture.  However, each week since the ectopic pregnancy seems to have a theme, something I'm learning about the truth of who God really is.  Because the truth is, shouldn't I be a basket case, totally uprooted, shattered by what has happened?  Yet, I'm not.  I'm heartbroken, but I'm okay.  He is my refuge, in control of this and all other things in my life.  I am beyond grateful for the safety He alone provides. 

Update: By the end of January, I hope to have a laparoscopy to shed some light (hopefully) on what's going on in my innards, and even explain why my pregnancy was ectopic.  It will be my first surgery, so I'm a bit nervous, but I'm also very ready to gain a better understanding of what's going on in my body!

Adoption:  Have you ever heard of this blog?   I'm totally blown away by this precious girl who, in her early twenties, has adopted 13 children.  Please read her blog - it's a great reminder of how faithful our God is.

Baking: I got TWO new aprons for Christmas.  What do you think?  With all the baking I'm doing, they're coming in very handy!

Here's a picture of the precious and teeny-tiny brown sugar muffins I made last week.  Thank you, Allenda.  I have many more plans for my mini-muffin tin.

Our volunteer coordinator at LifeCare had a birthday a few weeks ago and requested something lemony to celebrate.  I searched quite a bit and decided on Lemon Cheesecake Squares.  I have to say, I'm my biggest critic when it comes to the things I make, but these are darn good!  I almost couldn't get these out of the house and to work without gobbling them up.

I used butter instead of shortening for the crust.  In my opinion, cheesecake crust MUST have butter.  Yummy.  Not so good for the waistline - Sorry! 

Lemon Cheesecake Squares

Ingredients

• 3/4 cup shortening
• 1/3 cup packed brown sugar
• 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 cup rolled oats
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup seedless raspberry jam
• FILLING:
• 4 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
• 1 1/2 cups sugar
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 4 eggs
• 1/3 cup lemon juice
• 4 teaspoons grated lemon peel

Directions

1. In a mixing bowl, cream shortening and brown sugar. Combine the flour, oats and salt; gradually add to creamed mixture. Press dough into a greased 13-in. x 9-in. x 2-in. baking dish. bake at 350 degrees F for 15-18 minutes or until golden brown. Spread with jam.
2. For filling, beat the cream cheese, sugar and flour until fluffy. Add the eggs, lemon juice and peel just until blended. Carefully spoon over jam. Bake at 350 degrees F for 30-35 minutes or until center is almost set. Cool on a wire rack. Cover and store in the refrigerator.  

One Last Thing: I got a pile of cards and letters from a women's small group.  I don't know any of the women who wrote these words of encouragement to me, but it really touched me.  If you're reading this blog, thank you.  I've read them several times since I got them in the mail.

Dusting off the Baking Pans

I had big, grand plans for Christmas baking.  When we found out we were pregnant, all those plans went right out the window. 

Now, I have to big a big girl, hold my head high, and return to the working world.  Today was my first day back after the pregnancy, and it was HARD.  Luckily, I work with some really amazing ladies who made me feel very cared for.  Back to work means back to BAKING!!! 

Last week I made a few things I thought I'd share with you:

Chocolate Chip Scones - Recipe here.

These are really yummy (just ask my husband), and I like that the recipe called for orange juice instead of the typical heavy cream used in most scone recipes.  Here's a picture of how mine turned out.

Apple Pie - Recipe here. 

I've tried quite a few apple pie recipes, and this one's my favorite.  I don't pour the delicious sauce over the apples, though.  I mix it in with the apples and then pour it into the crust.  Delish.  I think it turned out okay - What do you think?

This week, I thought I'd try out my new mini muffin pan my beautiful mother-in-law (aka Santa) gave me for Christmas.  I've had a hankerin' for something buttery and brown sugary, so what could be better than Brown Sugar Mini Muffins!   

Makes 16 muffins (Click here for full recipe info)

1/2 cup butter, melted
1 cup brown sugar
1 egg
1 cup milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup nuts, chopped coarsely

Preheat oven to 375F. Grease or line 16 muffin cups (Or in my case, mini muffin cups).

Combine all ingredients until mixed. Fill prepared muffin cups and bake for 20 minutes or until done.

Tell me your favorite recipe!

I absolutely love trying new baking recipes.  Do you have one you really love?  Share it with me!  I just might take a picture of it and name the recipe after you...


Last thing.  My boss Pam sent me a book called God Calling by A.J. Russell while I was recovering from the ectopic pregnancy.  It's full of little tidbits of wisdom, some of them super simple, but they are excellent reminders of who God is.  Here's an excerpt from today's:

"Be calm, no matter what may befall you.  Rest in Me.  Be patient, and let patience have her perfect work.  Never think things overwhelming.  How can you be overwhelmed when I am with you?"

So true.

One Day at a Time

One moment at a time...

I always dreamed of the way we'd finally find out we were pregnant.  The joy of telling Harlan the news.  The creative way we'd tell our family and friends.   Awaiting lab results that day, I never thought this is what I'd hear on the phone:  "You're pregnant, but we're very concerned."  Harlan was at work, and I had planned on using this day to spend time alone in prayer, asking God for direction and peace while traveling this road called Infertility.  Instead, I was reduced to a crying mess, unsure of how this could be happening, just 4 days before Christmas.

The next week was filled with more lab tests, ultrasounds, and somehow Christmas happened in there, too.  It is a total blur, as if Christmas came and went without me this year.  On the 27th, we finally got the news:  My pregnancy was ectopic.

We prayed fervently against an ectopic pregnancy.  We prayed for a miracle to occur.  Little Elam decided to take up residency in my fallopian tube instead of my uterus, which is extremely dangerous and sometimes fatal if left untreated.   Thankfully, we caught it before I would have to have surgery, but that day we said goodbye to our little one.  A good friend reminded me that we have much to be thankful for.  Little Elam never had to experience the grief or sorrow this world can bring.  He/she is now resting safely in the arms of Jesus.

I thought about ending the blog.  Too hard to write this stuff down.  However, someone else out there might be going through this very thing right now.  I hope that by sharing, someone else may feel a little less alone.  I heard this song last night and was immediately reduced to a crying mess again (Sorry for the cheesy YouTube video, but I wanted you to see the words).

Running to Jesus is all I can do right now.   At this point, it's more like crawling for me.  I know He's there in the midst of it, whether I can feel it or not.  As my precious friend Kristine says, "Thank you, Lord, that faith is not a feeling."

So, we welcome in 2011.  Each day, I feel a bit more hope begin to poke its way through the ashes...

"You did it: you changed wild lament
      into whirling dance;
   You ripped off my black mourning band
      and decked me with wildflowers.
   I'm about to burst with song;
      I can't keep quiet about you.
   God, my God,
      I can't thank you enough."

Psalm 30:11 was shared with me by so many friends and family members that I thought I'd share it with you (I like The Message version).   I look forward to exchanging my weeping for laughing and mourning for dancing.  One day at a time...