Faith, Hope, and Chocolate: March 2012

I'm so thankful for this blog. For over a year now, it's been a place I can write my thoughts, good or bad. I'm grateful for those who have read it and provided encouragement. I know my thoughts are not always warm and rosy, but I am able to see God's hand in them and feel I've grown tremendously. The thoughts I have on the reality of parenthood are no different. I pray they aren't seen as negative, but rather as new and challenging ways God is changing me and showing me His truths every day. Thanks for reading!

I've written before that I entered into parenthood with a very realistic viewpoint. I knew it would be tough. I knew there would be long, sleepless nights, inconsolable crying, wearing the same outfit 3 days in a row, and much more.

I didn't know it was possible to love a little being so very much. Those little fingers and toes. That little heart beating under my palm as I pat her chest and rock her to sleep. That smile that wipes away the fatigue I'm feeling. The way she seems to literally learn something new, make some new sound, and reach some new milestone each and every day. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for Harper Grayce or forget what a miracle she is.

However,

Parenthood is hard. Really, really hard.

It was only after becoming a parent that I have read more articles on how hard it is. Where were these articles during pregnancy? Here are a few I have appreciated lately:

Don't Carpe Diem - My favorite quote: “It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.”

An Open Letter to First-Time Mammas of Newborns - My Favorite Quote: "You’re doing amazing. Really. Your body just performed what it was made to do, and yet what it did is nothing less than a miracle. You birthed new life. You’re a superhero."

What makes it so hard? Again, please don't see these points as complaints. They are areas I have discovered my own weaknesses, and I pray my honesty doesn't offend...

1. Marriage Struggles

Harlan and I dated 4 years before we got married, and we're approaching 7 years of marriage. That's 11 years of relationship. We know each other very well, and God has allowed us to walk through some very difficult things as a couple. Infertility allowed us to really seek God's face together, and while it was one of the most trying experiences in my life, it really brought us closer together.

Parenthood puts a very real, and very heavy strain on marriage. Since Harlan works all day and I'm at home with Harper, by the time he gets home, I'm pretty wiped. We have just a few precious hours together, and most of the time they're spent bathing and feeding Harper, cleaning up dinner, and getting Harper to bed. There are times when we have a few minutes alone, and all I can think of is getting in bed and falling fast asleep. It is no longer the two of us. We have another precious life to care for, and right now, that's what we do.

I'm still full of crazy hormones, and while that's not an excuse, hormones combined with not sleeping more than 4 hours at a time for almost 6 months means I'm a bit edgy. I seem to see faults more than I did before. I'm easily frustrated and more quick to speak. I miss alone time with my love, going to movies, grabbing a spontaneous bite to eat, or even just walking down the street holding hands (not a baby carrier, diaper bag, etc).

The reality is that parenthood is teaching us how to communicate in a whole new way. Now, dates are super special, never taken for granted. Babysitters are sent from heaven as a selfless gift.

The realities of the man I married:

-He stays up late after a whole day of work to feed Harper so I can get some sleep.
-He is quick to forgive and slow to speak. He has a "gentle, teachable spirit which is rare in men these days." Our pastor said that about him on our wedding day.
-On weekends, he insists on taking extra feedings so I can take a bit of a break.
-He is the most amazing man in the world, and yes, he's better than your husband :)

2. "The Next One" Struggles

The miracle of Harper's birth seems to have wiped away the fact that the year leading up to it was spent trying desperately to get pregnant. As I mentioned above, not a day goes by that I don't thank God for Harper Grayce. However, I have not forgotten the months of ovulation predictor kits, crazy medications, and inner turmoil that came with every negative pregnancy test.

Almost every day, someone says, "Harper does that, but you never know what the next one will do." "Harper doesn't eat well, but the next one might be the best eater ever!" Each time someone says it (and I know they mean NO harm at all), I just crumble inside. Will there be a next one? Can I get pregnant again? It fills me with fear.

I have no idea what the future holds. It has been another theme of this blog, in fact. Do I want Harper to have a sibling? More than anything. My sister and I are so close, and I want that so badly for my sweet girl. But...that may not happen.

The realities of "the next one" struggles:

-God knows exactly what I need. If I am able to have more children, He's going to allow that.
-I'm still quite busy with my 5 month old to really start thinking about "the next one".
-The Deceiver would absolutely love for me to let fear replace my faith that God is in control. I fight against these thoughts every day.

3. Me Struggles

It has often been quoted that parenthood reveals how big of a sinner you really are. So darn true.

At the end of the day, I often think, "Wow. I really blew it today. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have said that." I approach prayer time in humility, feeling as though I'm just totally failing. Shouldn't I be getting the hang of this by now? All these other moms are taking their infants on airplanes, out camping, volunteering, and seemingly living happy, productive lives. Honestly, there are days Harper has cried ALL DAY, and I am so thankful she's finally asleep! Those thoughts make me feel really guilty! Shouldn't I be treasuring every moment, even the challenging ones?

If I get any alone time, it's typically out getting groceries or running an errand. I finally got a massage last week, but the massage therapist told me my lack of sleep was really taking a toll on my body. She hadn't seen so many knots in the back of someone my age in a long time. Not exactly what I wanted to hear during my time of "relaxation".

I'm stubborn. I can't give up pumping, especially since Harper has such bad reflux. Pumping means great nutrition, but it often means saying no when invited out, having to leave early, or stepping out in the middle of something.

The realities of "me" struggles:

-All moms have challenging days. It's ok!
-Comparing myself to other moms is just not okay. What works for them may not work for me. I have no idea what that mom is struggling with. Comparing just shows how insecure I am!
-I've been pumping for almost 6 months. It's a great accomplishment, and Harper's been called "chunky" lately. Chunky? Hallelujah! My teeny girl is healthy and growing thanks to all this pumping!

I could go on. As I said at the beginning of this post, being a parent is just plain tough. Thankfully, God knows this, and He continues to lovingly provide just what I need when I need it. Through BSF, I have learned so much about His lavish love for me, His grace which is sufficient for me. I continue to be blown away by the sacrifice Jesus made for me and my messes.

Ephesians 2:4-9: "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

Thanks be to God!

So, yes, I'm struggling. Thankfully, I don't walk alone. I'll leave you with some precious pictures of my sweet miracle, who is truly teaching me what life is really all about!