The Realities of Parenthood

I'm so thankful for this blog.  For over a year now, it's been a place I can write my thoughts, good or bad. I'm grateful for those who have read it and provided encouragement.  I know my thoughts are not always warm and rosy, but I am able to see God's hand in them and feel I've grown tremendously.  The thoughts I have on the reality of parenthood are no different.  I pray they aren't seen as negative, but rather as new and challenging ways God is changing me and showing me His truths every day.  Thanks for reading!


I've written before that I entered into parenthood with a very realistic viewpoint.  I knew it would be tough.  I knew there would be long, sleepless nights, inconsolable crying, wearing the same outfit 3 days in a row, and much more.


I didn't know it was possible to love a little being so very much.  Those little fingers and toes.  That little heart beating under my palm as I pat her chest and rock her to sleep.  That smile that wipes away the fatigue I'm feeling.  The way she seems to literally learn something new, make some new sound, and reach some new milestone each and every day.  Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for Harper Grayce or forget what a miracle she is.


However,


Parenthood is hard.  Really, really hard.


It was only after becoming a parent that I have read more articles on how hard it is.  Where were these articles during pregnancy?  Here are a few I have appreciated lately:


Don't Carpe Diem - My favorite quote: “It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.”


An Open Letter to First-Time Mammas of Newborns - My Favorite Quote: "You’re doing amazing. Really. Your body just performed what it was made to do, and yet what it did is nothing less than a miracle. You birthed new life. You’re a superhero."


What makes it so hard?  Again, please don't see these points as complaints.  They are areas I have discovered my own weaknesses, and I pray my honesty doesn't offend...


1.  Marriage Struggles

Harlan and I dated 4 years before we got married, and we're approaching 7 years of marriage.  That's 11 years of relationship.  We know each other very well, and God has allowed us to walk through some very difficult things as a couple.  Infertility allowed us to really seek God's face together, and while it was one of the most trying experiences in my life, it really brought us closer together.


Parenthood puts a very real, and very heavy strain on marriage.  Since Harlan works all day and I'm at home with Harper, by the time he gets home, I'm pretty wiped.  We have just a few precious hours together, and most of the time they're spent bathing and feeding Harper, cleaning up dinner, and getting Harper to bed.  There are times when we have a few minutes alone, and all I can think of is getting in bed and falling fast asleep.  It is no longer the two of us.  We have another precious life to care for, and right now, that's what we do.


I'm still full of crazy hormones, and while that's not an excuse, hormones combined with not sleeping more than 4 hours at a time for almost 6 months means I'm a bit edgy.  I seem to see faults more than I did before.  I'm easily frustrated and more quick to speak.  I miss alone time with my love, going to movies, grabbing a spontaneous bite to eat, or even just walking down the street holding hands (not a baby carrier, diaper bag, etc).


The reality is that parenthood is teaching us how to communicate in a whole new way.  Now, dates are super special, never taken for granted.  Babysitters are sent from heaven as a selfless gift.


The realities of the man I married:


-He stays up late after a whole day of work to feed Harper so I can get some sleep.
-He is quick to forgive and slow to speak.  He has a "gentle, teachable spirit which is rare in men these days."  Our pastor said that about him on our wedding day.
-On weekends, he insists on taking extra feedings so I can take a bit of a break.
-He is the most amazing man in the world, and yes, he's better than your husband :)


2.  "The Next One" Struggles

The miracle of Harper's birth seems to have wiped away the fact that the year leading up to it was spent trying desperately to get pregnant.  As I mentioned above, not a day goes by that I don't thank God for Harper Grayce.  However, I have not forgotten the months of ovulation predictor kits, crazy medications, and inner turmoil that came with every negative pregnancy test.


Almost every day, someone says, "Harper does that, but you never know what the next one will do."  "Harper doesn't eat well, but the next one might be the best eater ever!"  Each time someone says it (and I know they mean NO harm at all), I just crumble inside.  Will there be a next one?  Can I get pregnant again?  It fills me with fear.


I have no idea what the future holds.  It has been another theme of this blog, in fact.  Do I want Harper to have a sibling?  More than anything.  My sister and I are so close, and I want that so badly for my sweet girl.  But...that may not happen.


The realities of "the next one" struggles:


-God knows exactly what I need.  If I am able to have more children, He's going to allow that.
-I'm still quite busy with my 5 month old to really start thinking about "the next one".
-The Deceiver would absolutely love for me to let fear replace my faith that God is in control.  I fight against these thoughts every day.


3.  Me Struggles

It has often been quoted that parenthood reveals how big of a sinner you really are.  So darn true.


At the end of the day, I often think, "Wow.  I really blew it today.  I shouldn't have done that.  I shouldn't have said that."  I approach prayer time in humility, feeling as though I'm just totally failing. Shouldn't I be getting the hang of this by now?  All these other moms are taking their infants on airplanes, out camping, volunteering, and seemingly living happy, productive lives.  Honestly, there are days Harper has cried ALL DAY, and I am so thankful she's finally asleep!  Those thoughts make me feel really guilty!  Shouldn't I be treasuring every moment, even the challenging ones?


If I get any alone time, it's typically out getting groceries or running an errand.  I finally got a massage last week, but the massage therapist told me my lack of sleep was really taking a toll on my body.  She hadn't seen so many knots in the back of someone my age in a long time.  Not exactly what I wanted to hear during my time of "relaxation".


I'm stubborn.  I can't give up pumping, especially since Harper has such bad reflux.  Pumping means great nutrition, but it often means saying no when invited out, having to leave early, or stepping out in the middle of something.


The realities of "me" struggles:


-All moms have challenging days.  It's ok!
-Comparing myself to other moms is just not okay.  What works for them may not work for me.  I have no idea what that mom is struggling with.  Comparing just shows how insecure I am!
-I've been pumping for almost 6 months.  It's a great accomplishment, and Harper's been called "chunky" lately.  Chunky?  Hallelujah!  My teeny girl is healthy and growing thanks to all this pumping!


I could go on.  As I said at the beginning of this post, being a parent is just plain tough.  Thankfully, God knows this, and He continues to lovingly provide just what I need when I need it.  Through BSF, I have learned so much about His lavish love for me, His grace which is sufficient for me.  I continue to be blown away by the sacrifice Jesus made for me and my messes.


Ephesians 2:4-9: "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."


Thanks be to God!


So, yes, I'm struggling.  Thankfully, I don't walk alone.  I'll leave you with some precious pictures of my sweet miracle, who is truly teaching me what life is really all about!

Blowin' Bubbles - Harper's favorite new sound.

Practicing Sitting in the highchair - Starting solids soon!

Finally on a nap schedule - first nap with no tears!

Playing with Daddy

And the winner is...

Angela Z!  I used random.org to draw the lucky winner!  Angela, I'll email you this evening.  Thanks, everyone, for all your great feedback!  Longer post coming soon!

A Day in the Life & My First Blog Giveaway!

I keep telling myself I can fit blogging in at least every other week.  Unfortunately that's just not realistic with a 4-month-old.  And can you even believe it?  My sweet girl is 4 months old!

Harper's become quite vocal lately.  She makes new sounds every day, but there's one particular sing-songy sound she makes all the time.  It's really cute, but it's also the same tone over, and over, and over, and over.  And over.  Here are a couple of videos that illustrate my point.

and without narration from me, just to drive the point home:

She's also laughing a lot more.  We'll pretty much do anything to make her laugh - it's so dang cute!  My apologies for the sideways video!

This time last year, we were just announcing the joyous news that we were pregnant.  Now, this sweet child touches my face while I'm feeding her and smiles when we greet her at her crib each morning.  She is an undeserved gift  - I get choked up just writing about it!

I'm also very proud to say I made it to 4 months pumping exclusively, and I'm still going!  My ultimate goal is 6 months, but making it to 5 would be amazing.  I'm able to get between 10-15 ounces of milk during my first pump of the day alone, so I'm still providing more than enough for Harper.  It's getting harder to do since she's becoming more active, so I'm not sure how feasible it will be for much longer.  I'm going to go as long as I can, though!

Blog Giveaway

Baking has become more challenging to fit in, and it's not so healthy to have around the house either.  I'm really enjoying a new hobby - Headbands!  I'm also still looking for ways to bring in a little extra income, so that's where you come in.  Check out some of my designs and give me your thoughts. 

-Would you buy something like this for yourself, your daughter, a baby shower, etc?
-Would you pay $8-15 for one, depending on the complexity of the design?

Be honest!  Leave me a comment with your thoughts and email address, and you could win the headband of your choice below!  The winner will chosen randomly and will be announced next Sunday, February 19th.

Don't have a baby in the house?  I can make a headband that fits a newborn, infant, toddler, child, or adult!  

Again, thanks in advance for your honesty!  I'm perfectly content making Harper a headband to go with every outfit!

See you next week for a winner post, as well as some deeper thoughts I have on some of the struggles of new motherhood. 

2012 - Baking & Pumping - Oh My!

Happy New Year!

As many of you know, 2010 was a year that ended with the loss of our first baby.  2011 brought with it the unbelievable news that we were pregnant, and Harlan and I rang in the new year holding our precious daughter.  We are so excited to see what 2012 holds for our new family!

As usual, I was so blessed by all your comments and encouragements as I poured my heart out about breastfeeding Harper.  Thank you so much!  I'm proud to say I made it to my goal of giving Harper breast milk until the New Year.  And now, a confession...

I want to keep going.

I know.  I know.  That means pumping, pumping, pumping.  Over the holidays, the news reported on infant deaths and sick babies due to contaminated formula.  The thought of Harper in the hospital is enough to motivate me to try for a little bit longer.  My new goal - give her breast milk until she's 4 months.

Thankfully and miraculously, my supply has increased.  I'm able to prepare enough bottles to feed for 24 hours, and have some left over to freeze.  Check out my freezer, for crying out loud.  If I can't make it to 4 months, it's okay.  I'm going to give it a try, though!

Baking

I've been baking, but I've been terrible about posting!  I've recently discovered Pinterest, so I'm really looking forward to finding even more fun new recipes to try.  Some things I've baked recently:

Appetizer Wreath (Okay, not really baking, but still fun!)

Brownie Tart

Softest, Chewiest Chocolate Chip Cookies

Bombshell Brownies

Peppermint Bark Cookies

Homemade Chocolate and Caramel Popcorn


Goals for 2012

1.  Get back in shape after baby.  Some people may not want to hear this, but I was still doing P90X, with modifications, at 8.5 months pregnant.  Exercising with a newborn is really hard, so I've really been struggling with my post-baby body.  My friend Jonni and I started a 5:30am Bootcamp, so I hope it will help me kick things into gear!  Yikes!

2.  Start or join a Mom's Group.  Do any of you have one you really like?  I'd love to join, or let's start one if you don't have one!  I'm always so encouraged when I get to talk to other moms!

3.  Be a better wife.  Everyone can work on that, right?  Harlan's working hard every day so I can be a stay-at-home mom.  There's no better gift he can give me, so I want to do my job well too!

4.  Be a better saver.  If you know me, you know I absolutely love a bargain and never purchase anything full price.  I want to apply that mentality to the grocery store, too!  I want to save money wherever I can, so my goal is reducing our grocery bill this year, and stop eating out so much.

5.  Bring in some extra cash.  I'd really like to do something really part-time from home to bring in some extra cash for dates, or maybe formula if we have to go there. 

6.  Keep the house clean.  I'm kind of a neat freak, and having a baby has left my house looking like  tornado hit it.  Since I stay at home, I want to keep my house looking nice.  Much easier said than done.

7.  Commit to BSF.  I went through the entire book of Isaiah last year through Bible Study Fellowship.  I started the book of Acts right before Harper was born, and with all the breastfeeding issues, I was just able to return.  I want to end the study right!

8.  Learn to bake healthy.  I love baking, but 2 sticks of butter in each recipe isn't helping my goal of getting back in to shape after having a baby.  I'm going to try out some healthy baking recipes and see if they're even edible!

9.  Get more involved at church.  My church is enormous, so it's really hard to feel connected.  I'm hoping to get more involved since we have a baby now.

10.  Dare I say it - add to our family.  I would really love for Harper to have a sibling.  I know it sounds crazy to even be talking about it, but since I have struggled with infertility, I'm already praying about it.  Who knows if I'll even be able to have a second child.  Pray with us!

Looking forward to the year ahead!  I'll leave you with a video of Harper's newest trick: rolling over!

Merry Christmas!

Realigning Expectations - One Mom's View on Breastfeeding

Below is my personal story on breastfeeding (It's long - sorry!).  If this subject doesn't interest you, feel free to skip this post.  However, I do hope it's helpful for others who held the same expectations I did...

When my sweet Harper Grayce was born now 2 months ago, she was a lot smaller than we expected.  The first few days in the hospital, she was very sleepy, so trying to get her to breastfeed was very challenging.  The nurses assured me that all babies were sleepy after birth, and as soon as my milk came in she should be more awake and ready to nurse.

Day 1 home from the hospital, and my milk still wasn't in.  Harper was still a very sleepy baby.  Day 2 home - no milk, a baby who slept, never cried when hungry, wouldn't stay awake longer than a few minutes to breastfeed.  Day 3, Day 4, Day 5.  No milk.  Sleeping baby.

I finally called a lactation consultant.  At our first appointment, she confirmed my worst fear.  Harper had lost almost a pound, I had no milk, and I was basically starving my sweet little girl.  She recommended I take supplements and pump to bring my milk in, and she assured me Harper was just small and needed to get the hang of breastfeeding.  Until she was able to get enough on her own, she recommended using an SNS (picture below).  While breastfeeding, the little tube is inserted into the baby's mouth, giving them the amount of milk needed without introducing bottles and causing nipple confusion.  Sounds neat, huh?  NO!  Getting a tiny tube into an infant's mouth while breastfeeding is ridiculously difficult.  Getting a good latch while using the SNS is seemingly impossible. 

So, we would "breastfeed".  Each day, I would pray my milk would come in, try and breastfeed, use the SNS, and pump.  This process would take 2 hours to complete, leaving little time to do much, especially sleep, before the next feeding began.

After 2 weeks of pumping, my milk finally came in.  However, Harper still slept all the time, never told me when she was hungry, and fell asleep instantly when I tried to breastfeed.  We tried everything:  stripping her down to her diaper, using a wet rag, tickling her feet, putting her in front of a fan, playing loud music - nothing would keep her awake to eat.

We used the SNS for 4 weeks.  At the 4 week mark, I had slept very little, and while Harper was gaining weight like a champ and getting nothing but breast milk, I was having a nervous breakdown.  I pumped around the clock, never slept, saw no improvement in Harper (this child literally never cries when hungry and sees the breast as a great place for a nap), and didn't know what to do.  I cried all the time, questioned God, read way too many online forums on breastfeeding, and became a shell of my former self. 

Why would I go to such lengths?  I worked at a pregnancy center.  I know how much better breast milk is than formula.  I am all about natural birth, and breastfeeding is the most natural, beneficial food you can give your baby.  My lactation consultant told me not to give up because that would be best for Harper.  I had paid so much money and worked so hard to get my milk to come in.  However, no one tells you your baby might not know how to, or show any interest in breastfeeding.

I got block ducts, mastitis, more blocked ducts.  I am a pro at figuring out how treat these things without doctor intervention.  After 4 weeks and many tears, we finally introduced Harper to the bottle.  It was still breast milk, but in a bottle.  She LOVED it.  Without any effort, milk would just pour into her mouth - what's not to love?  I cried as I gave her a bottle and just knew I was thwarting any possibility my child would have at breastfeeding.

I prayed things would change at 6 weeks.  Nope.  Now, at almost 10 weeks, Harper still is completely uninterested in working to retrieve milk from me. I still try every day. If I am engorged and milk just pours into her mouth, she eats really well.  Otherwise, she just does not care to make the effort.

I continue to pump, pump, pump.  I am so grateful Harper still has exclusively had breast milk for 2.5 months.  In order to give her what she needs, I have to pump around the clock, every 3 hours.  Do I have control issues?  Yes.  Once again, giving up control, something that has been the thorn in my side over and over, has been the most difficult thing.  Now that Harper needs upwards of 4 ounces at every feeding, my pumping just can't keep up.  Soon, I won't be able to provide enough milk and we'll have to introduce formula.

What bothers me about formula?  I've been taught it's a "lesser" food.  Babies can't digest it as well.  It makes baby poop smell awful.  Formula fed babies are 15 times more likely to get sick than breastfed ones. 

To wrap things up:

1.  I've learned that sometimes you can try everything, and some things are just not meant to be.
2.  Support your friends.  Professionals and friends, meaning well, have told me I'm giving up on important bonding between me and my baby.  When you've tried everything, those comments just make you feel like a failure.  Listen to your friends, but don't force your opinion.  It can really hurt feelings.
3.  My new goal is to give Harper exclusively breastmilk until the New Year, or when my supply can't keep up.  After that, we'll begin introducing formula, as hard as that is for me!
4.  Formula fed babies aren't destined for a life of failure.  Whole generations were formula fed and are just fine.  My sweet husband had formula after his own mom had trouble breastfeeding, and he's the best guy I know!
5.  "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

Instead of obsessing about breast milk, I want the world to meet my miracle girl.  She's smiling, cooing, getting rolls on her legs (a big achievement for our little one), and blows me away every day.  It's time to start living, and stop sitting in front of a pump!  :)

The Day Harper Grayce Was Born

I'm just now beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, now that our Harper is almost 7 weeks old.  We've spent her first weeks here trying to figure out breastfeeding, which has been the most challenging thing I have ever experienced.  No kidding - more challenging than infertility, natural childbirth, all of it.  I'll try and get to that in another post, but for now, I thought I'd introduce you to Harper and her birth story:

I had a ton of relaxing activities planned for my first week of maternity leave.  I had been experiencing pretty strong contractions for about a week, but my doctor's appointment revealed that I wasn't even dilated.  I got my hair cut the morning of October 3rd and had plans to continue my freakish nesting obsession by organizing our guest bathroom closet.

By late afternoon, my normal contractions were getting a bit more noticeable, especially in my back.  They would come and go and didn't follow a particular pattern, so I figured they were just more of the same.  That evening, however, they started to get more painful and regular in my back.  Then, (warning - TMI) I lost my mucus plug.  By late that evening, I was uncomfortable.  Unfortunately, the majority of the pain was located in my back, which was NOT good.  I tried taking a bath, but it didn't really help.  I tried exercises we got during birthing class specifically for back labor, but again, not helpful AT ALL.  The only thing that brought any relief was rocking on my exercise ball or leaning over with my elbows propped on something.

At 1am, we finally went to the hospital.  As soon as I got in the hospital bed, my contractions, which had been 4-5 minutes apart, lengthened to 7-10 minutes.  I was only dilated to 3 centimeters, so we made the decision to go back home.  The doctor indicated I was indeed having this baby soon, but I had a lot more laboring to do first.

Back at home, contractions were intensifying.  I wasn't talking much any more, and my goal was making it through the stabbing pain in my back.  Harlan was timing contractions, and they seemed to be more like 3-4 minutes apart, so back to the hospital we went.  Just 2 hours later, I had dilated to 7.5 centimeters and was entering the most difficult part of labor, transition.

I spent most of labor rocking on my ball or leaning over my hospital bed.  I don't think I really noticed anyone around me until I started feeling the urge to push.  I wanted to push NOW.  The nurses told me not to push.  Any woman who has been in labor will tell you, not pushing is the most horrific thing you've ever experienced.  It's not something you feel you have any control over.  Finally, after what seemed like hours, I was told I could finally push.

Pushing is one of the most bizarre, out of body experiences.  I kept thinking, "Am I doing this right now?".  I think I may have actually asked one of the nurses that very question.  I told myself I didn't want to see Harper actually being born through a mirror at the end of the bed, but I ended up using one as a way to make it through each segment of pushing.  I made it my goal to get this baby out!

Pushing was hard.  I felt like I had just spent hours at the gym.  I was covered in sweat, and I honestly thought my child would never come out.  Then, she was crowning (holy cow, that burns like nobody's business), and then they were placing her on my chest.  It was the most amazing, surreal, empowering moment.  I will never forget the feelings of relief and overwhelming love that came flooding in.

In all, my labor was about 18 hours (18 hours of back labor - ouch), and I pushed for about 1.5.  Harper was 5 pounds, 10 ounces and 19 inches long.  I was SHOCKED she was so little - the doctors predicted she would be right at 7 pounds.

I have never been more in love.  In love with my husband, who was the best coach a girl could ask for.  He played music, massaged my back, squeezed my hand, and has been the most amazing support over these past few weeks of Harper's life.  (You may notice:  Harlan didn't quite get all the facial hair off.  He has a lovely mustache in the pictures during labor and delivery...)

My sis acted as my doula, and I must say, she was a life-saver.  She kept our families updated and has been such a great help.  In fact, we both have the best families.  They have made these first weeks of Harper's life much easier for me.

I love Harper in a way I didn't think possible.  She's the most precious little being, and I am forever thankful God saw it fit to allow me to be her mother.

Harper's been gaining weight like a champ, after losing over a pound due to breastfeeding issues.  I plan on trying to update the blog more now that I actually have a few extra minutes, so please come back and visit.  I promise I'll try not to brag on my baby girl too much, but she is the sweetest thing in the whole world...