And the winner is...

Angela Z!  I used random.org to draw the lucky winner!  Angela, I'll email you this evening.  Thanks, everyone, for all your great feedback!  Longer post coming soon!

A Day in the Life & My First Blog Giveaway!

I keep telling myself I can fit blogging in at least every other week.  Unfortunately that's just not realistic with a 4-month-old.  And can you even believe it?  My sweet girl is 4 months old!

Harper's become quite vocal lately.  She makes new sounds every day, but there's one particular sing-songy sound she makes all the time.  It's really cute, but it's also the same tone over, and over, and over, and over.  And over.  Here are a couple of videos that illustrate my point.

and without narration from me, just to drive the point home:

She's also laughing a lot more.  We'll pretty much do anything to make her laugh - it's so dang cute!  My apologies for the sideways video!

This time last year, we were just announcing the joyous news that we were pregnant.  Now, this sweet child touches my face while I'm feeding her and smiles when we greet her at her crib each morning.  She is an undeserved gift  - I get choked up just writing about it!

I'm also very proud to say I made it to 4 months pumping exclusively, and I'm still going!  My ultimate goal is 6 months, but making it to 5 would be amazing.  I'm able to get between 10-15 ounces of milk during my first pump of the day alone, so I'm still providing more than enough for Harper.  It's getting harder to do since she's becoming more active, so I'm not sure how feasible it will be for much longer.  I'm going to go as long as I can, though!

Blog Giveaway

Baking has become more challenging to fit in, and it's not so healthy to have around the house either.  I'm really enjoying a new hobby - Headbands!  I'm also still looking for ways to bring in a little extra income, so that's where you come in.  Check out some of my designs and give me your thoughts. 

-Would you buy something like this for yourself, your daughter, a baby shower, etc?
-Would you pay $8-15 for one, depending on the complexity of the design?

Be honest!  Leave me a comment with your thoughts and email address, and you could win the headband of your choice below!  The winner will chosen randomly and will be announced next Sunday, February 19th.

Don't have a baby in the house?  I can make a headband that fits a newborn, infant, toddler, child, or adult!  

Again, thanks in advance for your honesty!  I'm perfectly content making Harper a headband to go with every outfit!

See you next week for a winner post, as well as some deeper thoughts I have on some of the struggles of new motherhood. 

2012 - Baking & Pumping - Oh My!

Happy New Year!

As many of you know, 2010 was a year that ended with the loss of our first baby.  2011 brought with it the unbelievable news that we were pregnant, and Harlan and I rang in the new year holding our precious daughter.  We are so excited to see what 2012 holds for our new family!

As usual, I was so blessed by all your comments and encouragements as I poured my heart out about breastfeeding Harper.  Thank you so much!  I'm proud to say I made it to my goal of giving Harper breast milk until the New Year.  And now, a confession...

I want to keep going.

I know.  I know.  That means pumping, pumping, pumping.  Over the holidays, the news reported on infant deaths and sick babies due to contaminated formula.  The thought of Harper in the hospital is enough to motivate me to try for a little bit longer.  My new goal - give her breast milk until she's 4 months.

Thankfully and miraculously, my supply has increased.  I'm able to prepare enough bottles to feed for 24 hours, and have some left over to freeze.  Check out my freezer, for crying out loud.  If I can't make it to 4 months, it's okay.  I'm going to give it a try, though!

Baking

I've been baking, but I've been terrible about posting!  I've recently discovered Pinterest, so I'm really looking forward to finding even more fun new recipes to try.  Some things I've baked recently:

Appetizer Wreath (Okay, not really baking, but still fun!)

Brownie Tart

Softest, Chewiest Chocolate Chip Cookies

Bombshell Brownies

Peppermint Bark Cookies

Homemade Chocolate and Caramel Popcorn


Goals for 2012

1.  Get back in shape after baby.  Some people may not want to hear this, but I was still doing P90X, with modifications, at 8.5 months pregnant.  Exercising with a newborn is really hard, so I've really been struggling with my post-baby body.  My friend Jonni and I started a 5:30am Bootcamp, so I hope it will help me kick things into gear!  Yikes!

2.  Start or join a Mom's Group.  Do any of you have one you really like?  I'd love to join, or let's start one if you don't have one!  I'm always so encouraged when I get to talk to other moms!

3.  Be a better wife.  Everyone can work on that, right?  Harlan's working hard every day so I can be a stay-at-home mom.  There's no better gift he can give me, so I want to do my job well too!

4.  Be a better saver.  If you know me, you know I absolutely love a bargain and never purchase anything full price.  I want to apply that mentality to the grocery store, too!  I want to save money wherever I can, so my goal is reducing our grocery bill this year, and stop eating out so much.

5.  Bring in some extra cash.  I'd really like to do something really part-time from home to bring in some extra cash for dates, or maybe formula if we have to go there. 

6.  Keep the house clean.  I'm kind of a neat freak, and having a baby has left my house looking like  tornado hit it.  Since I stay at home, I want to keep my house looking nice.  Much easier said than done.

7.  Commit to BSF.  I went through the entire book of Isaiah last year through Bible Study Fellowship.  I started the book of Acts right before Harper was born, and with all the breastfeeding issues, I was just able to return.  I want to end the study right!

8.  Learn to bake healthy.  I love baking, but 2 sticks of butter in each recipe isn't helping my goal of getting back in to shape after having a baby.  I'm going to try out some healthy baking recipes and see if they're even edible!

9.  Get more involved at church.  My church is enormous, so it's really hard to feel connected.  I'm hoping to get more involved since we have a baby now.

10.  Dare I say it - add to our family.  I would really love for Harper to have a sibling.  I know it sounds crazy to even be talking about it, but since I have struggled with infertility, I'm already praying about it.  Who knows if I'll even be able to have a second child.  Pray with us!

Looking forward to the year ahead!  I'll leave you with a video of Harper's newest trick: rolling over!

Merry Christmas!

Realigning Expectations - One Mom's View on Breastfeeding

Below is my personal story on breastfeeding (It's long - sorry!).  If this subject doesn't interest you, feel free to skip this post.  However, I do hope it's helpful for others who held the same expectations I did...

When my sweet Harper Grayce was born now 2 months ago, she was a lot smaller than we expected.  The first few days in the hospital, she was very sleepy, so trying to get her to breastfeed was very challenging.  The nurses assured me that all babies were sleepy after birth, and as soon as my milk came in she should be more awake and ready to nurse.

Day 1 home from the hospital, and my milk still wasn't in.  Harper was still a very sleepy baby.  Day 2 home - no milk, a baby who slept, never cried when hungry, wouldn't stay awake longer than a few minutes to breastfeed.  Day 3, Day 4, Day 5.  No milk.  Sleeping baby.

I finally called a lactation consultant.  At our first appointment, she confirmed my worst fear.  Harper had lost almost a pound, I had no milk, and I was basically starving my sweet little girl.  She recommended I take supplements and pump to bring my milk in, and she assured me Harper was just small and needed to get the hang of breastfeeding.  Until she was able to get enough on her own, she recommended using an SNS (picture below).  While breastfeeding, the little tube is inserted into the baby's mouth, giving them the amount of milk needed without introducing bottles and causing nipple confusion.  Sounds neat, huh?  NO!  Getting a tiny tube into an infant's mouth while breastfeeding is ridiculously difficult.  Getting a good latch while using the SNS is seemingly impossible. 

So, we would "breastfeed".  Each day, I would pray my milk would come in, try and breastfeed, use the SNS, and pump.  This process would take 2 hours to complete, leaving little time to do much, especially sleep, before the next feeding began.

After 2 weeks of pumping, my milk finally came in.  However, Harper still slept all the time, never told me when she was hungry, and fell asleep instantly when I tried to breastfeed.  We tried everything:  stripping her down to her diaper, using a wet rag, tickling her feet, putting her in front of a fan, playing loud music - nothing would keep her awake to eat.

We used the SNS for 4 weeks.  At the 4 week mark, I had slept very little, and while Harper was gaining weight like a champ and getting nothing but breast milk, I was having a nervous breakdown.  I pumped around the clock, never slept, saw no improvement in Harper (this child literally never cries when hungry and sees the breast as a great place for a nap), and didn't know what to do.  I cried all the time, questioned God, read way too many online forums on breastfeeding, and became a shell of my former self. 

Why would I go to such lengths?  I worked at a pregnancy center.  I know how much better breast milk is than formula.  I am all about natural birth, and breastfeeding is the most natural, beneficial food you can give your baby.  My lactation consultant told me not to give up because that would be best for Harper.  I had paid so much money and worked so hard to get my milk to come in.  However, no one tells you your baby might not know how to, or show any interest in breastfeeding.

I got block ducts, mastitis, more blocked ducts.  I am a pro at figuring out how treat these things without doctor intervention.  After 4 weeks and many tears, we finally introduced Harper to the bottle.  It was still breast milk, but in a bottle.  She LOVED it.  Without any effort, milk would just pour into her mouth - what's not to love?  I cried as I gave her a bottle and just knew I was thwarting any possibility my child would have at breastfeeding.

I prayed things would change at 6 weeks.  Nope.  Now, at almost 10 weeks, Harper still is completely uninterested in working to retrieve milk from me. I still try every day. If I am engorged and milk just pours into her mouth, she eats really well.  Otherwise, she just does not care to make the effort.

I continue to pump, pump, pump.  I am so grateful Harper still has exclusively had breast milk for 2.5 months.  In order to give her what she needs, I have to pump around the clock, every 3 hours.  Do I have control issues?  Yes.  Once again, giving up control, something that has been the thorn in my side over and over, has been the most difficult thing.  Now that Harper needs upwards of 4 ounces at every feeding, my pumping just can't keep up.  Soon, I won't be able to provide enough milk and we'll have to introduce formula.

What bothers me about formula?  I've been taught it's a "lesser" food.  Babies can't digest it as well.  It makes baby poop smell awful.  Formula fed babies are 15 times more likely to get sick than breastfed ones. 

To wrap things up:

1.  I've learned that sometimes you can try everything, and some things are just not meant to be.
2.  Support your friends.  Professionals and friends, meaning well, have told me I'm giving up on important bonding between me and my baby.  When you've tried everything, those comments just make you feel like a failure.  Listen to your friends, but don't force your opinion.  It can really hurt feelings.
3.  My new goal is to give Harper exclusively breastmilk until the New Year, or when my supply can't keep up.  After that, we'll begin introducing formula, as hard as that is for me!
4.  Formula fed babies aren't destined for a life of failure.  Whole generations were formula fed and are just fine.  My sweet husband had formula after his own mom had trouble breastfeeding, and he's the best guy I know!
5.  "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

Instead of obsessing about breast milk, I want the world to meet my miracle girl.  She's smiling, cooing, getting rolls on her legs (a big achievement for our little one), and blows me away every day.  It's time to start living, and stop sitting in front of a pump!  :)

The Day Harper Grayce Was Born

I'm just now beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, now that our Harper is almost 7 weeks old.  We've spent her first weeks here trying to figure out breastfeeding, which has been the most challenging thing I have ever experienced.  No kidding - more challenging than infertility, natural childbirth, all of it.  I'll try and get to that in another post, but for now, I thought I'd introduce you to Harper and her birth story:

I had a ton of relaxing activities planned for my first week of maternity leave.  I had been experiencing pretty strong contractions for about a week, but my doctor's appointment revealed that I wasn't even dilated.  I got my hair cut the morning of October 3rd and had plans to continue my freakish nesting obsession by organizing our guest bathroom closet.

By late afternoon, my normal contractions were getting a bit more noticeable, especially in my back.  They would come and go and didn't follow a particular pattern, so I figured they were just more of the same.  That evening, however, they started to get more painful and regular in my back.  Then, (warning - TMI) I lost my mucus plug.  By late that evening, I was uncomfortable.  Unfortunately, the majority of the pain was located in my back, which was NOT good.  I tried taking a bath, but it didn't really help.  I tried exercises we got during birthing class specifically for back labor, but again, not helpful AT ALL.  The only thing that brought any relief was rocking on my exercise ball or leaning over with my elbows propped on something.

At 1am, we finally went to the hospital.  As soon as I got in the hospital bed, my contractions, which had been 4-5 minutes apart, lengthened to 7-10 minutes.  I was only dilated to 3 centimeters, so we made the decision to go back home.  The doctor indicated I was indeed having this baby soon, but I had a lot more laboring to do first.

Back at home, contractions were intensifying.  I wasn't talking much any more, and my goal was making it through the stabbing pain in my back.  Harlan was timing contractions, and they seemed to be more like 3-4 minutes apart, so back to the hospital we went.  Just 2 hours later, I had dilated to 7.5 centimeters and was entering the most difficult part of labor, transition.

I spent most of labor rocking on my ball or leaning over my hospital bed.  I don't think I really noticed anyone around me until I started feeling the urge to push.  I wanted to push NOW.  The nurses told me not to push.  Any woman who has been in labor will tell you, not pushing is the most horrific thing you've ever experienced.  It's not something you feel you have any control over.  Finally, after what seemed like hours, I was told I could finally push.

Pushing is one of the most bizarre, out of body experiences.  I kept thinking, "Am I doing this right now?".  I think I may have actually asked one of the nurses that very question.  I told myself I didn't want to see Harper actually being born through a mirror at the end of the bed, but I ended up using one as a way to make it through each segment of pushing.  I made it my goal to get this baby out!

Pushing was hard.  I felt like I had just spent hours at the gym.  I was covered in sweat, and I honestly thought my child would never come out.  Then, she was crowning (holy cow, that burns like nobody's business), and then they were placing her on my chest.  It was the most amazing, surreal, empowering moment.  I will never forget the feelings of relief and overwhelming love that came flooding in.

In all, my labor was about 18 hours (18 hours of back labor - ouch), and I pushed for about 1.5.  Harper was 5 pounds, 10 ounces and 19 inches long.  I was SHOCKED she was so little - the doctors predicted she would be right at 7 pounds.

I have never been more in love.  In love with my husband, who was the best coach a girl could ask for.  He played music, massaged my back, squeezed my hand, and has been the most amazing support over these past few weeks of Harper's life.  (You may notice:  Harlan didn't quite get all the facial hair off.  He has a lovely mustache in the pictures during labor and delivery...)

My sis acted as my doula, and I must say, she was a life-saver.  She kept our families updated and has been such a great help.  In fact, we both have the best families.  They have made these first weeks of Harper's life much easier for me.

I love Harper in a way I didn't think possible.  She's the most precious little being, and I am forever thankful God saw it fit to allow me to be her mother.

Harper's been gaining weight like a champ, after losing over a pound due to breastfeeding issues.  I plan on trying to update the blog more now that I actually have a few extra minutes, so please come back and visit.  I promise I'll try not to brag on my baby girl too much, but she is the sweetest thing in the whole world...

Fu Manchu and One Week 'Til D-Day

Friday was my last day of work.  I can't tell you how odd that was for me.  I know there's a purpose for my leave, but since this baby girl's not here yet, it's a little hard to know what to do with myself.  I'm due one week from today!  Whoa!

Here's what I've done this weekend alone:

1.  Reorganized the nursery - again.  Pics below!
2.  Created a portable changing station for the living room.
3.  Cleaned out my closet and took a car-full of stuff to Salvation Army.
4.  Bought organizers at the Container Store and reorganized all the pots and pans in my kitchen.
5.  Cleaned the whole house from top to bottom.  Harlan cleaned fans and the fireplace :)

I believe this is called nesting.  It's out of control.  I need help...

The Fu Manchu

Harlan's face is almost completely hairless!  People we don't even know at church have made comments on the change, so we know his facial hair has made a lasting impression.  Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the Fu Manchu.

39 Weeks

Back a the beginning of my pregnancy, my mom and I visited a maternity boutique.  I tried on a shirt using a fake belly, and I couldn't even imagine ever getting that big.  Here's a picture of me then and now at 39 weeks, and I believe I have indeed gotten bigger than that fake belly.  

In other news, the baby's size is now officially being compared to a watermelon.  Please sit and ponder that for a moment or two.  

I Baked My Brains Out

I was able to leave on my last day of work having baked everyone their favorite dessert.  You already saw the Boston Cream Pie and the Italian Cream Cake.  Here are the others, in no particular order.   Warning:  I am so terrible with taking pictures of what I make.  Several are iPhone pictures, so I apologize.  I promise to do better in the future!

For Christi, Office Manager, the Black Beast:

Note:  This is the most ridiculous chocolate cake I have EVER made.  It has 26 ounces of chocolate in it!  

For Micah, Client Services, Pecan Fudge Brownies

Note:  I did not get a picture of these, sadly.  They were really, really good, and I took them out of the oven a good 6 minutes before they were supposed to come out.  It ensured a very fudgy brownie.

For Avery, Volunteer Coordinator, Starbucks Pumpkin Scones

  
Note:  These are worth the extra effort with the 2 icings.  Delish!

For Pam, LifeChange Director, Pumpkin Swirl Cheesecake 

Note:  I accidentally picked up Pumpkin Pie Filling instead of canned pumpkin.  This meant I didn't use some of the flavorings suggested, since the filling already has so much.  It turned out super yummy - I was pleasantly surprised!

 

You would think this would mean I'm tired of baking, but I'm not!  My sister and I took a cookie decorating class last week, and I learned all sorts of new techniques for icing sugar cookies.  I can't wait to try them out on my own!

The Nursery

Here are a few pictures of the nursery.  We've added an adorable mobile we had custom made through Etsy, and the fabulous Christi of Sleepytime Rags made a precious diaper stacker!

Relinquishing Control, Yet Again 

Have you seen a theme yet?  God is constantly teaching me how to let go of control of my life.  He taught me that in a mighty way when we got pregnant.  Now, a week from my due date, I'm left wondering when she'll make her debut.  I am beyond fearful of being induced, or heaven forbid, ending up with a C-Section.  I pray daily that God would allow my daughter to be brought into the world the way He intended it - free of unnecessary medical interventions.  

If you read that paragraph, you know I'm still struggling.  I have no control over when she comes, or how.  I must trust that He will keep her healthy, and hopefully we'll get to meet her soon! 

Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."