Obstacles

One of my friends encouraged me to blog a bit more.  I was surprised to see how long it had been since I last posted.  It's a mixture of things, really.  I have never been more busy chasing a toddler around, working 2 jobs, and leading a Bible study.  If I'm honest, I also wonder if you, my readers, will grow tired of me repeating the same things over and over.

God has given me a rich, full life, but in the world of infertility, the battle rages in cycles, very dependent on doctors visits, blood draws, and medications.  My emotions go a little something like this: heartbreak, hope, determination, prayer and pleading, surrender, loss of hope, heartbreak...repeat.   I believe that God is sovereign over each and every day of my life, but since I am unable to escape doctors appointments, ovulation tests, lab work, and more, I'm also submersed in infertility on a daily basis...and it's tough.

I know my friend won't mind if I mention this. She sent me the best text one day.  God had placed this on her heart, and the timing couldn't have been more perfect:

Remember that infertility does not define you. I know it is hard so think about the things that bring hope and life.  You are first and foremost a child of God.  You are also Harlan's wife and Harper's mom.   You are a great friend to many and a beloved daughter and sister.  Cling to and draw strength from those identities.  Infertility is an obstacle and can be used to shape and make you stronger, but it is not Rachel.  You are so much more!

There are some days it is hard to breathe.  Days when I can see no light at the end of the tunnel and am reduced to a hopeless mess.  I am thankful that my identity lies in so much more!

New Struggles 

In my last round of infertility, God timed things so perfectly that I had the opportunity to go through my entire pregnancy with friends and family who were having babies right around the same time.  It was such a special time.  After the babies were born, I also learned there is nothing better than being able to ask questions of friends in the middle of the night who are also up nursing babies!

This round has been so different.  Almost every friend I know who struggled with infertility has gotten pregnant with their second right away, with no problems.  Several close friends are pregnant, and I watch on the sidelines as their bellies continue to grow and they make plans for the future.  There is nothing more joyful than celebrating these miracles with my friends, but it takes every ounce of my being not collapse with grief.  I simply don't understand.

So here's what it takes.  Looking to the hope I have in Christ, the identity He has given me and the life He has blessed me with.  Here's a look at some of those blessings, in no particular order:

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But wholly lean on Jesus' name.

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;

All other ground is sinking sand

Hope

Everything went wrong.  Everything.

My first month back at the Fertility Center has already been a roller coaster.  We started off with high hopes - the medicine worked.  Soon after, my body began to react differently than it should, and we discovered things had gone terribly wrong and we would have to start over.  Worst of all, we would have to wait a month before beginning again.

My first reaction, unfortunately, was to doubt God's goodness.  Why would He continue to allow such suffering?  Why do some seemingly snap their fingers and have a baby, while we, who desperately want to grow our family, must spend great amounts of money and go through such anguish, only to be disappointed again and again.

But I've been through this before.

I know these feelings are perfectly normal, but I learn every day about the God I love and serve.  He is good.  He has given me so many amazing things.  He didn't promise me an easy life, but He did promise He would never leave me and would always keep His promises.

Take a look at this miracle, and you know what a faithful, good God we have:

I heard the best sermon at church about depression.  After listening to the whole thing, I discovered it was more about trials and suffering.  If you have a chance, it's definitely worth a listen: 

http://austinstone.org/sermons/item/the-gospel-and-depression

So, even though I don't know why, I continue to remind myself about the truth of who God really is.  I've written this verse down and put on the fridge to remind me:

"Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God"  Psalm 42:11.  

I choose hope.

Thanks for praying, friends.  Keep it up.

~Rachel

Reopening Old Wounds

As I write this, I'm looking around my living room at the little trails my sweet toddler has made.  Tupperware lids from the kitchen, an old box from Christmas, Dr. Suess books, and pieces of fake food from her new kitchen - I am blessed indeed in the very busy life I live.

Harper Grayce is 15 months old.  She's independent, smart, sassy, and makes me laugh every day.  She's constantly talking (very loudly), and I'm actually starting to understand her little language that doesn't quite sound like English yet.  Every day -- and I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY -- I thank God for giving me the opportunity to be her mother.  Here's a few snapshots from the last few months.

And...The Update

I went back to the Fertility Center last week.  There.  I said it.  I feel better!

I prayed my brains out that God would heal me of PCOS and we would be able to have an easier time bringing another baby in to the world.  Harper literally runs up to other children on the playground with a huge smile on her face and wants to play and interact.  She loves people, especially children, so we really want to add another member to our family.

Unfortunately, my body is still the same.

It makes me sad.

Going to the Fertility Center is like reopening an old wound.  That wound had almost healed, but it came right back open when I stepped through those doors.  My doctor confirmed that I would need to take meds in order to try for a baby, so I have started my first round of Femara in hopes we will be able to try for another Elam.

When I started this blog over 2 years ago, I wasn't sure what God had in store for me.  We had a rough year, but in the end, I held my newborn daughter in my arms.  Now, that teeny girl calls me "Momma" and plants sloppy kisses on me even when she wasn't invited.

As I look back on my journey, I am left wondering what I didn't learn the first time around.  Why does God want me to go through all this pain again?  Then, I wonder if I'm looking at it wrong.  This journey means a closer walk with Jesus, and a constant reminder that God is in control.  Better yet, His plans are for my good, and they make me more mature and complete.

Just as I learned so much from the book of Isaiah during my first battle with infertility, so God is teaching me through my study of Genesis, and more specifically, the life of Abraham.  Just this week, I read this verse:

"Yet he (Abraham) did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised" Romans 4:20-21

As I start this journey again, I want that to be my anthem.  I don't want to waver through unbelief.  I want this experience to strengthen my faith, give God all the glory.  He has the power to add an Elam to our family!

Will you pray this with me, blog friends?  I surely need it.

Much love,

Rachel

Letting Go In A Whole New Way

Folks, take a look at that picture (above).  When Harlan compared it to Harper's 9 month picture, I didn't know what to do.  Actually, I'll tell you what I did - I had a good cry.  Harper Grayce is becoming less and less a baby and more and more a little girl every day.  

In a few short weeks, she'll be a year old.  Moving in to toddler-land.  Yikes.  We're having tons of fun and staying oh-so-busy every single day.  See for yourself:

She's on the move and getting closer and closer to walking.  Here she is looking out the window with her big sister Lucy.  

It's rare to see Harper without "pink friend," as we lovingly call the dog toy she's head-over-heels about.  She loves that thing!  I ran it through the washing machine several times since it's been a literal dog toy for the past few years.  Poor Lucy dog, Harper has stolen your toy.  Thanks for sharing...

Harper outgrew her bathing suit before the end of pool season, so we tried on the bikini "Auntie" Aynne got for her before she was born.  Adorable. 

Little Girl growing up so fast.  Absolutely gorgeous, if you don't mind me saying so...

Her hair's growing, too!  It's really hard to style! So many curls!

Who knew it would be so emotional watching your child grow up so fast .  I have tried to soak up every moment of her first year, but time just won't stand still for me.  Just the other day, as I was reading one of her favorite books for the millionth time, I realized she had placed one of her chubby hands on top of mine.  Precious little moments...

I'm learning more and more that much of parenthood is letting go.  Letting go of hands so they can walk on their own, ride off on that bike, walk into kindergarten on the first day of school.  God, take hold of this momma's emotions, or I'm going to be a wreck for this child's entire life.  So bittersweet, watching them grow...

Bigger, less emotional posts coming soon.  Bear with me!

And the winner is...

Cassidy!

I used random.org to determine the winner.  Cassidy will get a ruffle headband of her choice!  Congrats!

Thanks for entering!  Remember - If you like GingerPop Boutique on Facebook, you'll receive 15% any orders for the entire month of August!  Contact me on Etsy or Facebook to receive your code.

Harper Grayce will be 10 months old on Saturday.  More fun pictures comin' up!

Meet GingerPop - Another Blog Giveaway!

Harper Grayce is 9 months old!  She's busier than ever and is pulling up, cruising on furniture, and crawling at the speed of light.  She also finally has her 2 bottom teeth.  It seemed like they would never cut through her gums, and we had many tearful nights of sore gums before they broke through.  Here's our happy girl:

She's starting to skip lots of naps.  Not so fun for Mama...

So grateful for such a happy baby girl.  Here she is in a full-on laugh:

4th of July pool fun

Swimming with Mema

Harper loves standing and looking out the window.  Here she is showing off her curly hair: 

She is so curious.  She's loving exploring the house, and she doesn't like to be told 'no'.  Oh, boy...

I'm also excited to announce the grand opening of my hair accessories store, GingerPop Boutique!  It's been a long time comin', and I'm super pumped to be in business.  I couldn't think of any better way to celebrate than to have another giveaway!

You can win a headband from my brand new line of Ruffle Flowers, just added to my Etsy store today!  You'll have your choice of 3 colors:

Here's what you need to do:

1.  Check out GingerPop on Etsy
2.  Leave a comment on my blog and let me know which of my designs you like the most.
3.  Like GingerPop's page on Facebook

For extra credit, and an extra entry into the giveaway, follow and retweet @GingerPopBands and this giveaway on Twitter!  Giveaway announced on July 30th.  Thanks for your support!  


What's the best news of all?  By entering the giveaway, you'll automatically receive 15% off any GingerPop orders you make before August 31st!  Yippee!  More details to come.


Note:  If you have any trouble leaving a comment on the blog, leave a comment on the GingerPop Facebook page instead.  


Looking forward to hearing from you!

Slow Down!

When you're pregnant, you get lots of advice.  The most common piece of wisdom I heard was to really soak up every moment when your child is a baby.  I heard time went by fast.  I nodded my head and thanked them for their thoughts, laughing on the inside.  Especially given the trouble we had even getting pregnant, how could I NOT cherish every moment, big or small, once Harper was finally here?

Then, I blinked my eye and Harper was 8 months old.  I watch teary-eyed as we captured her shakily crawling for the first time.  Then, I stared at the baby monitor as she woke up from a nap and pulled up in her crib.  I told her how to say "ball" and she repeated, "buh, buh, buh."  Looking at recent pictures we've taken, I'm seeing the face of a little girl, not a baby looking back at me.  She's so smart, funny, and beautiful.  All I can think is time slow down!  I can't keep up!


As I do my best to take mental snapshots of Harper and the milestones she's reaching, I'm also marveling at my marriage.  Just this week, we celebrated 7 years!  The same weekend, we celebrated Harlan's first Father's Day.

Life is moving more quickly than I could have imagined, and there's one emotion, a common thread that runs through my mind as I try and wrap my mind around these things:

Thankful.  So, so thankful.

Let me share just a bit of this life God has so blessed me with:

Backyard Swimming Pool Fun

Swimsuit Season

Shopping with our new cart cover.  Thanks for making it, Mema!

First night away from Harper.  Wineries in Fredricksburg.

One of Texas Monthly's Best Burgers on our anniversary trip.  Greasy.  Delicious.

Psalm 139 - The Message

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
      you formed me in my mother's womb.
   I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
      Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
      I worship in adoration—what a creation!
   You know me inside and out,
      you know every bone in my body;
   You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
      how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
   Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
      all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
   The days of my life all prepared
      before I'd even lived one day.

Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
      God, I'll never comprehend them!
   I couldn't even begin to count them—
      any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
   Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!"