Slow Down!

When you're pregnant, you get lots of advice.  The most common piece of wisdom I heard was to really soak up every moment when your child is a baby.  I heard time went by fast.  I nodded my head and thanked them for their thoughts, laughing on the inside.  Especially given the trouble we had even getting pregnant, how could I NOT cherish every moment, big or small, once Harper was finally here?

Then, I blinked my eye and Harper was 8 months old.  I watch teary-eyed as we captured her shakily crawling for the first time.  Then, I stared at the baby monitor as she woke up from a nap and pulled up in her crib.  I told her how to say "ball" and she repeated, "buh, buh, buh."  Looking at recent pictures we've taken, I'm seeing the face of a little girl, not a baby looking back at me.  She's so smart, funny, and beautiful.  All I can think is time slow down!  I can't keep up!


As I do my best to take mental snapshots of Harper and the milestones she's reaching, I'm also marveling at my marriage.  Just this week, we celebrated 7 years!  The same weekend, we celebrated Harlan's first Father's Day.

Life is moving more quickly than I could have imagined, and there's one emotion, a common thread that runs through my mind as I try and wrap my mind around these things:

Thankful.  So, so thankful.

Let me share just a bit of this life God has so blessed me with:

Backyard Swimming Pool Fun

Swimsuit Season

Shopping with our new cart cover.  Thanks for making it, Mema!

First night away from Harper.  Wineries in Fredricksburg.

One of Texas Monthly's Best Burgers on our anniversary trip.  Greasy.  Delicious.

Psalm 139 - The Message

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
      you formed me in my mother's womb.
   I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
      Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
      I worship in adoration—what a creation!
   You know me inside and out,
      you know every bone in my body;
   You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
      how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
   Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
      all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
   The days of my life all prepared
      before I'd even lived one day.

Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
      God, I'll never comprehend them!
   I couldn't even begin to count them—
      any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
   Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!"

Letting Go

Harper Grayce is 7 months old.  I'm still in shock at the rapid pace in which we seem to be running through life right now.  I can't seem to keep this girl a baby.  Here's what Harper can do now:


-Say "momma" and "dada".  It melts my heart.  She's really loud when she talks, and she likes to converse pretty much all day.  Such a girl, right?


-Drink water from a sippy cup.  She loves that cup!

-Eat a wide range of foods.  She hates peas and avacado.  A lot.

-Plank.  She's really close to crawling, and she does this all the time:

Harper was dedicated at church on Mother's Day, which was a really special day for our us.  We were able to stand in front of our church family, as well as our own families, and ask for help in raising our little girl.  It was surreal to publicly give her to back to God.  We know we can never raise this precious one without His help!

Letting Go


I have such a hard time letting go, blog world.  Read my blog, and you'll see.  I have made a commitment to completely wean from pumping by the time Harper's 8 months, and that's literally just a week away.  Pumping has allowed Harper to become such a healthy girl, and it has been so special to provide this food for her, as hard as it has been on me.  I still haven't slept more than 5 hours at a stretch since Harper was born.  My body is very tired.


If I'm really honest, weaning also means coming face to face with reality again.  When the milk dries up, I may come face to face with my infertility.  Will my PCOS rear it's ugly head again?  I just don't know that I'm ready to find out.  I'm so very scared.


All my wants, all my fears, have been rising to the surface.  I want Harper to have a sibling.  I want to be able to have more children.  I want to be normal.


Then, I look at Harper Grayce.  This active, happy, chunky girl in my arms with the most gorgeous blue eyes.  My miracle.

God is faithful.  God is faithful.  God is faithful.  I repeat it every day.  He has never left my side, and He has provided good things.  I hear Him ask me: "Rachel, am I enough for you?  Will you trust me?"


Oh, God.  You are all I need.  So...I'm letting go.  Stepping off the edge of the cliff.  Let the adventure begin.  


Phillipians 4:6-7 (The Message) ^"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

Half a Year of Adventures

I have to tell you, blog world.  My baby girl has become quite the mover.  I used to have a little down time to write a blog post, throw in a load of laundry, or maybe eat, but that's getting more and more challenging.  Harper has learned that rolling can get her from A to B very quickly (and it's getting her in to trouble), and she's REALLY trying to crawl.  Her naps have been shorter and shorter (eek), so I apologize that my posts are becoming fewer and further between!

Adventures in Pumping

I also have to say, I'm really proud of myself!  Next week, I will have been pumping for 7 months!  SEVEN MONTHS!  I really can't believe it, and honestly, I'm so sick of it!  I plan on weening over the next few weeks.  It's very bittersweet, but with my freezer stockpile, I know my baby girl will have gotten Momma's Milk for much longer than I could have dreamed.  One night, Harlan and I jokingly decided to calculate how much time I had spent hooked up to the pump.  We calculated based on 6 months of pumping, so now these numbers are even greater.  It's really crazy when you look at it this way:

Pumping 8 times/day x 7 days/week - 52 times
52 x 4 weeks (one month) - 208 times/month
208 x 6 months - 1,248 times
20 minutes/pump session x 1,248 - 24,960 minutes
24,960 divided by 60 minutes (1 hour) - 416 hours
416 hours divided by 24 hours (1 day) - 17.3 days

So, I basically have been pumping for close to 20 days straight, if you were to squish all my pumping sessions together.  20 days, no rest, just sitting at the pump.  Insane.

Over the last 7 months, I have actually gone through 4 pumps.  The first brand I got (before I ever thought I'd be on this journey) broke 3 times.  After 2 replacements, I finally got a refund and purchased a new pump.  Shockingly, I discovered my first pump was really subpar and am actually producing 3+ ounces more with my new pump.  I really couldn't believe it and have been freezing as much as I can as I prepare to ween.  But, enough about pumping!

Family Adventures

We've had some crazy adventures of the past 6+ months of Harper's life.  She's gone from barely fitting into premie clothing to being in the 80th percentile for weight!  We're so proud of how healthy she is.  On top of that, she's such a happy girl.  She's just so content, for the most part, and her smile and laugh still melt me into a puddle every day.  What an undeserved, precious gift she is!

Family adventures are happening all the time as well.  Just this past weekend, we discovered a highway in Georgetown that does not have a gas station for MILES.  How do we know that?  Because we ran out of gas on the way to a company picnic.  Can you imagine being in the middle of nowhere with a baby and your car runs out of gas?  Awful.  Thankfully, we were close to a little business owned by a wonderful couple who helped us out.  We were so grateful!

Harper took her first long car trip to visit her grandparents 2 hours away.  We packed up what seemed like our whole house for a short weekend trip and Harper did great!  Here she is with Big Daddy, her grandfather:

We have also learned that "blow outs" aka poop explosions happen at the most inconvenient times.  Harper had one at Kerby Lane and almost destroyed her car seat.  I wish there was a way to throw an entire car seat into the washing machine...

Baking Adventures

I am still baking!  A lot.  A lot more than I should.  Here are a few of my most recent creations:

Smores Bars - Cooking with My Kid 

I've seen smores cupcakes, cakes, cookies, but I hadn't seen bars before.  I decided to try them out.  Whoa.  They're really yum.

Chocolate Crinkle Cookies - Rodelle

I got some fancy Rodelle Cocoa Powder at the store and browsed through the recipes on their website.  Panera Bread makes delicious crinkle cookies, so I decided to try out a crinkle recipe I found.  I highly recommend making them.  They're different, super easy, and really tasty.

Summer's almost upon us, and we're looking forward to spending a lot of time at the pool.  It's too hot to do anything else!  Thanks for sticking with me and my blogging hiatus!

The Realities of Parenthood

I'm so thankful for this blog.  For over a year now, it's been a place I can write my thoughts, good or bad. I'm grateful for those who have read it and provided encouragement.  I know my thoughts are not always warm and rosy, but I am able to see God's hand in them and feel I've grown tremendously.  The thoughts I have on the reality of parenthood are no different.  I pray they aren't seen as negative, but rather as new and challenging ways God is changing me and showing me His truths every day.  Thanks for reading!


I've written before that I entered into parenthood with a very realistic viewpoint.  I knew it would be tough.  I knew there would be long, sleepless nights, inconsolable crying, wearing the same outfit 3 days in a row, and much more.


I didn't know it was possible to love a little being so very much.  Those little fingers and toes.  That little heart beating under my palm as I pat her chest and rock her to sleep.  That smile that wipes away the fatigue I'm feeling.  The way she seems to literally learn something new, make some new sound, and reach some new milestone each and every day.  Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for Harper Grayce or forget what a miracle she is.


However,


Parenthood is hard.  Really, really hard.


It was only after becoming a parent that I have read more articles on how hard it is.  Where were these articles during pregnancy?  Here are a few I have appreciated lately:


Don't Carpe Diem - My favorite quote: “It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.”


An Open Letter to First-Time Mammas of Newborns - My Favorite Quote: "You’re doing amazing. Really. Your body just performed what it was made to do, and yet what it did is nothing less than a miracle. You birthed new life. You’re a superhero."


What makes it so hard?  Again, please don't see these points as complaints.  They are areas I have discovered my own weaknesses, and I pray my honesty doesn't offend...


1.  Marriage Struggles

Harlan and I dated 4 years before we got married, and we're approaching 7 years of marriage.  That's 11 years of relationship.  We know each other very well, and God has allowed us to walk through some very difficult things as a couple.  Infertility allowed us to really seek God's face together, and while it was one of the most trying experiences in my life, it really brought us closer together.


Parenthood puts a very real, and very heavy strain on marriage.  Since Harlan works all day and I'm at home with Harper, by the time he gets home, I'm pretty wiped.  We have just a few precious hours together, and most of the time they're spent bathing and feeding Harper, cleaning up dinner, and getting Harper to bed.  There are times when we have a few minutes alone, and all I can think of is getting in bed and falling fast asleep.  It is no longer the two of us.  We have another precious life to care for, and right now, that's what we do.


I'm still full of crazy hormones, and while that's not an excuse, hormones combined with not sleeping more than 4 hours at a time for almost 6 months means I'm a bit edgy.  I seem to see faults more than I did before.  I'm easily frustrated and more quick to speak.  I miss alone time with my love, going to movies, grabbing a spontaneous bite to eat, or even just walking down the street holding hands (not a baby carrier, diaper bag, etc).


The reality is that parenthood is teaching us how to communicate in a whole new way.  Now, dates are super special, never taken for granted.  Babysitters are sent from heaven as a selfless gift.


The realities of the man I married:


-He stays up late after a whole day of work to feed Harper so I can get some sleep.
-He is quick to forgive and slow to speak.  He has a "gentle, teachable spirit which is rare in men these days."  Our pastor said that about him on our wedding day.
-On weekends, he insists on taking extra feedings so I can take a bit of a break.
-He is the most amazing man in the world, and yes, he's better than your husband :)


2.  "The Next One" Struggles

The miracle of Harper's birth seems to have wiped away the fact that the year leading up to it was spent trying desperately to get pregnant.  As I mentioned above, not a day goes by that I don't thank God for Harper Grayce.  However, I have not forgotten the months of ovulation predictor kits, crazy medications, and inner turmoil that came with every negative pregnancy test.


Almost every day, someone says, "Harper does that, but you never know what the next one will do."  "Harper doesn't eat well, but the next one might be the best eater ever!"  Each time someone says it (and I know they mean NO harm at all), I just crumble inside.  Will there be a next one?  Can I get pregnant again?  It fills me with fear.


I have no idea what the future holds.  It has been another theme of this blog, in fact.  Do I want Harper to have a sibling?  More than anything.  My sister and I are so close, and I want that so badly for my sweet girl.  But...that may not happen.


The realities of "the next one" struggles:


-God knows exactly what I need.  If I am able to have more children, He's going to allow that.
-I'm still quite busy with my 5 month old to really start thinking about "the next one".
-The Deceiver would absolutely love for me to let fear replace my faith that God is in control.  I fight against these thoughts every day.


3.  Me Struggles

It has often been quoted that parenthood reveals how big of a sinner you really are.  So darn true.


At the end of the day, I often think, "Wow.  I really blew it today.  I shouldn't have done that.  I shouldn't have said that."  I approach prayer time in humility, feeling as though I'm just totally failing. Shouldn't I be getting the hang of this by now?  All these other moms are taking their infants on airplanes, out camping, volunteering, and seemingly living happy, productive lives.  Honestly, there are days Harper has cried ALL DAY, and I am so thankful she's finally asleep!  Those thoughts make me feel really guilty!  Shouldn't I be treasuring every moment, even the challenging ones?


If I get any alone time, it's typically out getting groceries or running an errand.  I finally got a massage last week, but the massage therapist told me my lack of sleep was really taking a toll on my body.  She hadn't seen so many knots in the back of someone my age in a long time.  Not exactly what I wanted to hear during my time of "relaxation".


I'm stubborn.  I can't give up pumping, especially since Harper has such bad reflux.  Pumping means great nutrition, but it often means saying no when invited out, having to leave early, or stepping out in the middle of something.


The realities of "me" struggles:


-All moms have challenging days.  It's ok!
-Comparing myself to other moms is just not okay.  What works for them may not work for me.  I have no idea what that mom is struggling with.  Comparing just shows how insecure I am!
-I've been pumping for almost 6 months.  It's a great accomplishment, and Harper's been called "chunky" lately.  Chunky?  Hallelujah!  My teeny girl is healthy and growing thanks to all this pumping!


I could go on.  As I said at the beginning of this post, being a parent is just plain tough.  Thankfully, God knows this, and He continues to lovingly provide just what I need when I need it.  Through BSF, I have learned so much about His lavish love for me, His grace which is sufficient for me.  I continue to be blown away by the sacrifice Jesus made for me and my messes.


Ephesians 2:4-9: "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."


Thanks be to God!


So, yes, I'm struggling.  Thankfully, I don't walk alone.  I'll leave you with some precious pictures of my sweet miracle, who is truly teaching me what life is really all about!

Blowin' Bubbles - Harper's favorite new sound.

Practicing Sitting in the highchair - Starting solids soon!

Finally on a nap schedule - first nap with no tears!

Playing with Daddy

And the winner is...

Angela Z!  I used random.org to draw the lucky winner!  Angela, I'll email you this evening.  Thanks, everyone, for all your great feedback!  Longer post coming soon!

A Day in the Life & My First Blog Giveaway!

I keep telling myself I can fit blogging in at least every other week.  Unfortunately that's just not realistic with a 4-month-old.  And can you even believe it?  My sweet girl is 4 months old!

Harper's become quite vocal lately.  She makes new sounds every day, but there's one particular sing-songy sound she makes all the time.  It's really cute, but it's also the same tone over, and over, and over, and over.  And over.  Here are a couple of videos that illustrate my point.

and without narration from me, just to drive the point home:

She's also laughing a lot more.  We'll pretty much do anything to make her laugh - it's so dang cute!  My apologies for the sideways video!

This time last year, we were just announcing the joyous news that we were pregnant.  Now, this sweet child touches my face while I'm feeding her and smiles when we greet her at her crib each morning.  She is an undeserved gift  - I get choked up just writing about it!

I'm also very proud to say I made it to 4 months pumping exclusively, and I'm still going!  My ultimate goal is 6 months, but making it to 5 would be amazing.  I'm able to get between 10-15 ounces of milk during my first pump of the day alone, so I'm still providing more than enough for Harper.  It's getting harder to do since she's becoming more active, so I'm not sure how feasible it will be for much longer.  I'm going to go as long as I can, though!

Blog Giveaway

Baking has become more challenging to fit in, and it's not so healthy to have around the house either.  I'm really enjoying a new hobby - Headbands!  I'm also still looking for ways to bring in a little extra income, so that's where you come in.  Check out some of my designs and give me your thoughts. 

-Would you buy something like this for yourself, your daughter, a baby shower, etc?
-Would you pay $8-15 for one, depending on the complexity of the design?

Be honest!  Leave me a comment with your thoughts and email address, and you could win the headband of your choice below!  The winner will chosen randomly and will be announced next Sunday, February 19th.

Don't have a baby in the house?  I can make a headband that fits a newborn, infant, toddler, child, or adult!  

Again, thanks in advance for your honesty!  I'm perfectly content making Harper a headband to go with every outfit!

See you next week for a winner post, as well as some deeper thoughts I have on some of the struggles of new motherhood. 

2012 - Baking & Pumping - Oh My!

Happy New Year!

As many of you know, 2010 was a year that ended with the loss of our first baby.  2011 brought with it the unbelievable news that we were pregnant, and Harlan and I rang in the new year holding our precious daughter.  We are so excited to see what 2012 holds for our new family!

As usual, I was so blessed by all your comments and encouragements as I poured my heart out about breastfeeding Harper.  Thank you so much!  I'm proud to say I made it to my goal of giving Harper breast milk until the New Year.  And now, a confession...

I want to keep going.

I know.  I know.  That means pumping, pumping, pumping.  Over the holidays, the news reported on infant deaths and sick babies due to contaminated formula.  The thought of Harper in the hospital is enough to motivate me to try for a little bit longer.  My new goal - give her breast milk until she's 4 months.

Thankfully and miraculously, my supply has increased.  I'm able to prepare enough bottles to feed for 24 hours, and have some left over to freeze.  Check out my freezer, for crying out loud.  If I can't make it to 4 months, it's okay.  I'm going to give it a try, though!

Baking

I've been baking, but I've been terrible about posting!  I've recently discovered Pinterest, so I'm really looking forward to finding even more fun new recipes to try.  Some things I've baked recently:

Appetizer Wreath (Okay, not really baking, but still fun!)

Brownie Tart

Softest, Chewiest Chocolate Chip Cookies

Bombshell Brownies

Peppermint Bark Cookies

Homemade Chocolate and Caramel Popcorn


Goals for 2012

1.  Get back in shape after baby.  Some people may not want to hear this, but I was still doing P90X, with modifications, at 8.5 months pregnant.  Exercising with a newborn is really hard, so I've really been struggling with my post-baby body.  My friend Jonni and I started a 5:30am Bootcamp, so I hope it will help me kick things into gear!  Yikes!

2.  Start or join a Mom's Group.  Do any of you have one you really like?  I'd love to join, or let's start one if you don't have one!  I'm always so encouraged when I get to talk to other moms!

3.  Be a better wife.  Everyone can work on that, right?  Harlan's working hard every day so I can be a stay-at-home mom.  There's no better gift he can give me, so I want to do my job well too!

4.  Be a better saver.  If you know me, you know I absolutely love a bargain and never purchase anything full price.  I want to apply that mentality to the grocery store, too!  I want to save money wherever I can, so my goal is reducing our grocery bill this year, and stop eating out so much.

5.  Bring in some extra cash.  I'd really like to do something really part-time from home to bring in some extra cash for dates, or maybe formula if we have to go there. 

6.  Keep the house clean.  I'm kind of a neat freak, and having a baby has left my house looking like  tornado hit it.  Since I stay at home, I want to keep my house looking nice.  Much easier said than done.

7.  Commit to BSF.  I went through the entire book of Isaiah last year through Bible Study Fellowship.  I started the book of Acts right before Harper was born, and with all the breastfeeding issues, I was just able to return.  I want to end the study right!

8.  Learn to bake healthy.  I love baking, but 2 sticks of butter in each recipe isn't helping my goal of getting back in to shape after having a baby.  I'm going to try out some healthy baking recipes and see if they're even edible!

9.  Get more involved at church.  My church is enormous, so it's really hard to feel connected.  I'm hoping to get more involved since we have a baby now.

10.  Dare I say it - add to our family.  I would really love for Harper to have a sibling.  I know it sounds crazy to even be talking about it, but since I have struggled with infertility, I'm already praying about it.  Who knows if I'll even be able to have a second child.  Pray with us!

Looking forward to the year ahead!  I'll leave you with a video of Harper's newest trick: rolling over!